Monday, December 9, 2019
Thursday, November 14, 2019
It’s a factor of life that awful horrible things can happen to anyone. And a good chunk of the time it isn’t anybody’s fault or it is but you’re so far removed from them.
Tragedy happens and sometimes we’re left with bruises and scars that we don’t know how to begin to process. And as I sit her battling IBS & a killer migraine, I’m having to remind myself of exactly that - none of my current situation is my fault or even really under my control.
The pain and the sadness that contributes to this mess are scars, old bruises, and haunted memories of a little girl having to grow up too soon. And what breaks my heart is I got away easy - I was surrounded by love at home and felt like the four of us could take on anything.
I never went into those battles alone and later when I did/am I know I have a safe place to fall back too. Not many people have that.
So if you’re facing darkness & tragedy this day - I’m truly sorry and you are not alone. Hunker down, regroup, and let those wounds heal into scars.
Feeling really rough today. But appreciating how blessed I am that I can take this time to heal because of the amazing people supporting & encouraging me.
It’s not pretty or easy but I know it’ll be worth it.
It will be worth it.
Friday, October 18, 2019
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
I caught myself focusing on the past a few days ago & I became so angry. Angry at how I’m doing this hard work of healing and the people or situations that hurt me just keep going on like nothing ever happened.
It reminded me a little of how after my dad died - I felt that the world had just ended and everyone else kept chugging along.
In both situations, it’s like I’m searching for someone or something to validate or show some sort of awareness of the damage done and how different my life is.
(I’m belting out “Cry” by @faithhill over and over again.)
What if it’s nobody’s fault I have a different life now?
What if no person or thing caused my scars?
What if it was something more evil that can only be fixed by one thing, God?
What if I have to let go of all the pain and fight & trust Him to do as He says?
I have to let go and trust God ... Okay this might be a thing.
#authenticityjourney #ptsdawareness #longpost #chooselove #letgoandletgod
Friday, June 7, 2019
I was in middle school when things started getting tough for me & my family; my dad fought cancer off & on for 11 years; he died when I was 19; my mom got sick 3 years later & fights every day.
We all survived.
I survived & throughout the years I didn’t have many people who reached out to me to say “I’m here” “I’m sorry” or “this sucks”.
So all I knew was what I figured out for myself & when I was willing to share with my family.
I blame no one & I have no anger in my heart for anyone.
I love my family. I have nothing but love for anybody or any place I traveled through.
And for those that did reach out: thank you isn’t enough for all the comfort, love, & acceptance you have given me - oftentimes doing so in spite of my stubborn self.
I feel this quote in my bones & I had to remind myself of that today.
And now I’m taking the time I need to build a healthier stronger life.
I got nothing but love for people & I’m working on nothing but love for myself.
Friday, May 31, 2019
I’ve spent all month trying to muster the courage to share this.
This is me at a really low point and something I’m a little proud of - I had caught myself right before a panic attack.
I noticed my triggers, I used my tools (lavender oil, my Daddy’s sweet tea, weighted blanket), I told my mom - a way of owning what I was feeling. And then I took a step back using my tools to breathe & ground myself before going to bed.
I focused in on @lauren_daigle ‘s album & in the corner of my mind I started taking pictures with my phone. I wanted to have proof.
Proof how music still heals me.
Proof that I can pull myself back from the scariest part of my PTSD - panic attacks.
Proof for others to know there is light out there. They are not alone. That darkness haunts me too.
You are not alone; I am not alone.
And hopefully by being brave tonight I’m less ashamed.
Mental health is a normal part of daily life & is vitally important for everyone’s overall well-being.
I’m not ashamed, I’m terrified of people’s judgement.
But this is me, the real me, and there is nothing wrong with me.
So if you feel that darkness - I see you and you matter.
Monday, May 13, 2019
Got some reports back today and there’s a plan - a way to get back on steady ground & build the life I want. And that plan is great but what’s even better is - validation.
Over the past fifteen years, I’ve had teachers, principals, doctors, counselors, & even specialists call me or call the chronic disorders I live with as “crazy”, “attention seeking,” “psychosomatic” and a whole host of other things I will not give any more power to.
But to be here with a treatment plan & reports in hand, this feels AMAZING. I’m not even mad at those people; I’m ten times more grateful for the good people I did have.
(Just next time, try to be more understanding & don’t forget kids do have ears too)
I’m only at step one and that’s okay. There’ll be more, harder steps to come. But I think I got a little of my fire back now
#authenticityjourney #endthestigma #warrior
Thursday, May 9, 2019
Today was hard for reasons I don’t understand -
I was told to relax before I start treatment & I’m not sure I know how,
A friend helped me out on the spur of the moment but I hadn’t having to ask,
My eyes feel droopy but my heart and brain are racing which is just plain weird -
So I guess my question is:
“Do I have to?
Do I have to feel all this to heal?
Isn’t there a cheat code or something? Are we sure the old way didn’t work?”
Yeah I know I started this #authenticityjourney but honestly not feeling it today.
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
I thought I had through the hardest time in my life after I lost my dad but this is harder. That loss I will always carry with me & it was hard; this is a whole other level.
Everything has caught up with me: all the years watching my dad fight, dealing with my own illness, my mom’s fight, and all those past traumas have affected me, changed me.
Because of those changes, I now have a larger battle of understanding bad patterns that need to change, medical treatment and awareness I need to accomplish, & so much more.
Rachel Hollis beautifully reminded me that this fight is important for the I want to have in the future but also validated that it’s hard as jack.
So just be nicer to everyone - you never know what battle they are in.
#authenticityjourney #realtalk #longpost #mentalhealthawareness #ptsdawareness
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
If I think about the person I want to be at the end of this mess, seriously can I please be like @pink .
She’s a total badass, not just for her amazing voice, acrobatics, drive, and general state of being, because she looks at all of us in the eyes and talks about her struggles.
I’ve spent my entire life hiding everything that I truly felt because I didn’t want to get hurt again or judged or deemed unworthy or the problem. @pink says you know what I have anxiety, this is how I handle it, this is life and goes out there and lives.
Not only living her life but defending those who are fighting battles they never talk about and using her music to give us a voice when we don’t have the words. So honestly thank you from a girl who’s still figuring out her own #authenticityjourney .
#endthestigma #longpost #gonnagorockout
Wednesday, March 13, 2019
Friday, March 8, 2019
I’ve found an inpatient clinic in Illinois that specializes in emerging adults with similar mental health issues along with chronic health conditions. I have been going to doctors, specialists, and counseling for years and I’ve been working hard, even making progress, but it’s not enough for me to b consistently stable and healthy. The doctors, counselors, and I agree that the best solution for me, medically and psychologically, is inpatient treatment at this facility. I have been experiencing panic episodes that are further evidence that I need additional support and a new approach to get better. This program is the best option.
I hate change. I hate asking for help even more. I’ve realized that I take great care of anyone else but I struggle with remembering to take care of myself. I struggle with the idea that I’m worth remembering. I need extra help. I can’t do it on my own. I need to start over in a place that isn’t plagued with memories; a place where I don’t fall back into bad patterns again. This program will give me time to focus on myself and learn how to rebuild my life and create a healthy life for myself. I hate that I need to go away to really get healthy, but it’s what I need to do.
I hoping to fund at least $32,000 dollars to help cover costs of the treatment program, travel, and meals while in treatment. Despite researching other funding options, a GoFundMe option is my only choice. Mental health services are expensive and health insurance does not cover much.
Please know I won’t waste this opportunity. I’m ready to do the work needed to become healthy and productive. I am so grateful for any support you can give me. Prayers, positive thoughts, and any donation you can spare are so appreciated.
Your support means the world to me.
Monday, February 4, 2019
This is what my dad was all about. That ministry didn’t always have to be this big thing. It could be as small as giving someone your complete attention for five minutes out of your day so that they knew and felt heard. He was amazing at things like that.
Ten years ago today we lost him; so many things have happened since and so many things to come. Some days it feels just like yesterday and others a million years ago.
I love you Daddy and I carry you with me every day.
Saturday, January 12, 2019
The reason I love history is the stories I find of people walking through hardships to achieve greatness and build lives.
The stories of individual people creating lives and embarking on journeys to create good in a world and often times their own communities that sought to snuff out the very life and light they were creating.
What mountains did you climb to be so strong today?
How can I learn from your climb that can help me with mine and help others with theirs?
#authenticityjourney #learning #scarstoyourbeautiful
You can believe multiple things at one time; you can hold more than one idea in your head and heart.
Plurality drives those people who believe life is a one-sided, one sole idea uncomplicated rainbows and butterflies journey INSANE.
Believe in plurality drives them absolutely mad.
#plurality #thewestwing #lifescomplicated