What was I hiding for?

1. This is from around a week ago. & this will be a #longpost stick with me please. 

2. It has taken me that long to find the words and courage to post. 

3. I have had a chronic illness for about 18 years and recently it’s decided it wants to be different. I was forewarned a long time ago that my symptoms could fluctuate with age. Yeah, this isn’t a fluctuation. 

4. So I found myself in the ER getting IV fluids, CT scan, etc. due to how awful this flare is being. 

5. I don’t mind doctors, clinics, and the tests but my anxiety goes into hyperdrive if I get near a hospital. So color me shocked when I didn’t have anxiety issues until I was processing out because I felt so bad. 

6. For 18 years-ish, this chronic thing has been managed and I had a system worked out to handle any flares. Well I’m in a whole new ball game now. 

My #longawaited point: for those years, I could hide/conceal what was going on with my body. 

If you looked at me, there wasn’t an IBS/GERD label stamped across my forehead. I prided myself on managing “the thing in my gut” so well that no one could see my hurting. 

But what if that was the wrong choice? Why did I feel like I had to hide something that was never my fault or anything I could control? Why did it take an ER visit years later for me to finally yell “stop”? 

This is an #authenticityjourney right; right now pretty much feel horrible a lot of the time. Will it always be like this; God willing no but this is my now. 

I went got the care I needed and it helped me ease some of the symptoms for a bit & made progress in facing a huge anxiety of mine. 

Those are good things. There is a silver lining and that shouldn’t be a secret. Nor should the illness be. It’s part of me: a soon-to-be tiny minuscule part of my story hopefully. I’m here as are millions of others who live with the same condition or hundreds of others. 

We’re not less than; we’re just here. 

Get it yet - @hopes.still.here .

“Do the Next Right Thing” - Inspiration from Frozen II and Veronica Mars

It’s a factor of life that awful horrible things can happen to anyone. And a good chunk of the time it isn’t anybody’s fault or it is but you’re so far removed from them. 

Tragedy happens and sometimes we’re left with bruises and scars that we don’t know how to begin to process. And as I sit her battling IBS & a killer migraine, I’m having to remind myself of exactly that - none of my current situation is my fault or even really under my control. 

The pain and the sadness that contributes to this mess are scars, old bruises, and haunted memories of a little girl having to grow up too soon. And what breaks my heart is I got away easy - I was surrounded by love at home and felt like the four of us could take on anything. 

I never went into those battles alone and later when I did/am I know I have a safe place to fall back too. Not many people have that. 

So if you’re facing darkness & tragedy this day - I’m truly sorry and you are not alone. Hunker down, regroup, and let those wounds heal into scars.

Feeling really rough today. But appreciating how blessed I am that I can take this time to heal because of the amazing people supporting & encouraging me. 

It’s not pretty or easy but I know it’ll be worth it.

It will be worth it. 

@hopes.still.here

#authenticityjourney  

Sorry I’ve been gone, trying to heal some scars

I’m sorry I’ve not been so attentive to the blog. I’ve been battling a horrendously bad IBS flare. I will try better. 

I’ve been realizing over the past couple days that the demons I’m working to free myself from now are truly just the scars of long ago epic scary moments (still having trouble saying the word “trauma”). While some of you are no doubtingly saying “Duh,” hold up a minute. 

Those scars are from the scariest moments of my life; often occurring when I didn’t have the tools to handle. I didn’t ever know there was a toolbox. We all do the best we can with what we have at the time. 

My mode of coping was denial, trying to be invisible or keep everybody happy, and denying some more. And darn if I wasn’t good at it; I buried those scars so deep not only can you not see them but I completely forgot they were there. 

I’m writing all of this to selfishly get those scars out there. I’m hoping that if I get this out, if I own the scars that I have & learn to accept them; healing them won’t feel so hard. 

I do hope that this will help someone else, bring a little hope, and remind us all that nobody knows what someone else has going on behind the scenes. 

#endthestigma #authenticityjourney #ptsdawareness #youarenotalone 

This might be a thing

I caught myself focusing on the past a few days ago & I became so angry. Angry at how I’m doing this hard work of healing and the people or situations that hurt me just keep going on like nothing ever happened.

It reminded me a little of how after my dad died - I felt that the world had just ended and everyone else kept chugging along. 

In both situations, it’s like I’m searching for someone or something to validate or show some sort of awareness of the damage done and how different my life is. 

(I’m belting out “Cry” by @faithhill over and over again.) 

What if it’s nobody’s fault I have a different life now? 

What if no person or thing caused my scars? 

What if it was something more evil that can only be fixed by one thing, God? 

What if I have to let go of all the pain and fight & trust Him to do as He says? 

I have to let go and trust God ... Okay this might be a thing. 

#authenticityjourney #ptsdawareness #longpost #chooselove #letgoandletgod 

Only Got Space for Love Now, No More Being Angry At A Past

I was in middle school when things started getting tough for me & my family; my dad fought cancer off & on for 11 years; he died when I was 19; my mom got sick 3 years later & fights every day. 

We all survived. 

I survived & throughout the years I didn’t have many people who reached out to me to say “I’m here” “I’m sorry” or “this sucks”. 

So all I knew was what I figured out for myself & when I was willing to share with my family. 

I blame no one & I have no anger in my heart for anyone. 

Truthfully.

I love my family. I have nothing but love for anybody or any place I traveled through. 

And for those that did reach out: thank you isn’t enough for all the comfort, love, & acceptance you have given me - oftentimes doing so in spite of my stubborn self.

I feel this quote in my bones & I had to remind myself of that today.

I survived. 

And now I’m taking the time I need to build a healthier stronger life.

I got nothing but love for people & I’m working on nothing but love for myself.

Here Goes Nothing

I’ve spent all month trying to muster the courage to share this. 

This is me at a really low point and something I’m a little proud of - I had caught myself right before a panic attack. 

I noticed my triggers, I used my tools (lavender oil, my Daddy’s sweet tea, weighted blanket), I told my mom - a way of owning what I was feeling. And then I took a step back using my tools to breathe & ground myself before going to bed. 

I focused in on @lauren_daigle ‘s album & in the corner of my mind I started taking pictures with my phone. I wanted to have proof. 

Proof how music still heals me.

Proof that I can pull myself back from the scariest part of my PTSD - panic attacks. 

Proof for others to know there is light out there. They are not alone. That darkness haunts me too. 

You are not alone; I am not alone. 

And hopefully by being brave tonight I’m less ashamed. 

Mental health is a normal part of daily life & is vitally important for everyone’s overall well-being. 

I’m not ashamed, I’m terrified of people’s judgement. 

But this is me, the real me, and there is nothing wrong with me. 

So if you feel that darkness - I see you and you matter.

 #authenticityjourney #ptsdawareness

Progress :)

Got some reports back today and there’s a plan - a way to get back on steady ground & build the life I want. And that plan is great but what’s even better is - validation. 

Over the past fifteen years, I’ve had teachers, principals, doctors, counselors, & even specialists call me or call the chronic disorders I live with as “crazy”, “attention seeking,” “psychosomatic” and a whole host of other things I will not give any more power to. 

But to be here with a treatment plan & reports in hand, this feels AMAZING. I’m not even mad at those people; I’m ten times more grateful for the good people I did have. 

(Just next time, try to be more understanding & don’t forget kids do have ears too) 

I’m only at step one and that’s okay. There’ll be more, harder steps to come. But I think I got a little of my fire back now

 

#authenticityjourney #endthestigma #warrior 

Today Was Rough

Today was hard for reasons I don’t understand - 

I was told to relax before I start treatment & I’m not sure I know how, 

A friend helped me out on the spur of the moment but I hadn’t having to ask, 

My eyes feel droopy but my heart and brain are racing which is just plain weird - 

So I guess my question is: 

“Do I have to? 

Do I have to feel all this to heal? 

Isn’t there a cheat code or something? Are we sure the old way didn’t work?” 

Yeah I know I started this #authenticityjourney but honestly not feeling it today. 

#ptsdsucks 

#emotionallyexhausted

Hardest Fight Yet

I thought I had through the hardest time in my life after I lost my dad but this is harder. That loss I will always carry with me & it was hard; this is a whole other level. 

Everything has caught up with me: all the years watching my dad fight, dealing with my own illness, my mom’s fight, and all those past traumas have affected me, changed me.

 Because of those changes, I now have a larger battle of understanding bad patterns that need to change, medical treatment and awareness I need to accomplish, & so much more. 

Rachel Hollis beautifully reminded me that this fight is important for the I want to have in the future but also validated that it’s hard as jack. 

So just be nicer to everyone - you never know what battle they are in. 

#authenticityjourney #realtalk #longpost #mentalhealthawareness #ptsdawareness 

May - Mental Health Awareness Month - Inspired by Pink

If I think about the person I want to be at the end of this mess, seriously can I please be like @pink . 

She’s a total badass, not just for her amazing voice, acrobatics, drive, and general state of being, because she looks at all of us in the eyes and talks about her struggles.

I’ve spent my entire life hiding everything that I truly felt  because I didn’t want to get hurt again or judged or deemed unworthy or the problem. @pink says you know what I have anxiety, this is how I handle it, this is life and goes out there and lives. 

Not only living her life but defending those who are fighting battles they never talk about and using her music to give us a voice when we don’t have the words. So honestly thank you from a girl who’s still figuring out her own #authenticityjourney . 

#endthestigma #longpost #gonnagorockout

"Have You Ever?" Stream of Consciousness Poem

I'd thought I'd share something a little different with everyone. I wrote this poem recently and it's kind of a stream of consciousness of my feelings.

Have You Ever

Have you ever felt always out of touch and out of step everywhere you go?

Have you ever feared new people so much, you always played a role in hopes they’d like you?

Have you ever needed to be doing multiple things all at once to keep your mind from spinning?

Have you ever eyed all the exits everywhere you went?

Have you ever needed to find hiding places and corners in large crowds?

Have you ever felt so triggered, simple smells or sounds can send you running?

Have you ever wanted to be invisible and yet yearned to be seen?

Have you ever been so haunted, you avoid people and places?

Have you ever been so on edge, you would start yelling at the slightest of things?

Have you ever been so depressed, you would suddenly start sobbing?

Have you ever been so nervous, you chewed your lip till it was raw?

Have you ever been so anxious, you rubbed your hands till they bruised?

Have you ever been so scared, your body shook?

Have you ever felt on guard and on edge even in your own home?

Have you ever been so lost, you stopped looking at the stars for fear you would never find them?

Have you ever hated change so much, you control everything in your environment in protection?

Have you ever yearned to go home and yet know that home no longer exists?

Have you never felt truly safe anywhere?

Have you ever been shocked by the kindness of strangers and friends long forgotten?

Have you ever wanted help and not sure where to find it?

Have you ever been surviving so long, you forgot how to live?

Have you ever lost your own self and never noticed?

Have you ever had to leave everything and everyone you know to find her?

Have you ever needed to leave but been frozen in place?

By Angela Deeds

Help Me Find My "Yellow Brick" Road

I've been out of the loop lately because I've been trying to work on getting healthy and finding the best way to do that.  And here's what I've figured out so far.

I'm seeking treatment and I need your help.

My name is Angela and I’m trying to raise funds to pay for inpatient treatment for anxiety and depression. I have faced a number of struggles during my life that I have tried to overcome, but I keep falling into long episodes of physical illness, severe anxiety and depression. As a pre-teen, I was diagnosed with severe Irritable Bowel Syndrome and later diagnosed with gastric reflux disease. These physical health issues continue to be very impact on my daily life, and my efforts to manage these physical issues have been complicated by my mental health challenges due to difficult family events and trauma. My father fought cancer for 11 years before passing away when I was 19. When I was 22, my mother was diagnosed with a debilitating neurological disorder. I have been in a caregiver role for both of my parents at young age. Negative professional experiences and incredibly hurtful experiences while a student related to my physical challenges have also left scares I’m trying to heal.  

I’ve found an inpatient clinic in Illinois that specializes in emerging adults with similar mental health issues along with chronic health conditions. I have been going to doctors, specialists, and counseling for years and I’ve been working hard, even making progress, but it’s not enough for me to b consistently stable and healthy. The doctors, counselors, and I agree that the best solution for me, medically and psychologically, is inpatient treatment at this facility. I have been experiencing panic episodes that are further evidence that I need additional support and a new approach to get better. This program is the best option.

I hate change. I hate asking for help even more. I’ve realized that I take great care of anyone else but I struggle with remembering to take care of myself. I struggle with the idea that I’m worth remembering. I need extra help. I can’t do it on my own. I need to start over in a place that isn’t plagued with memories; a place where I don’t fall back into bad patterns again. This program will give me time to focus on myself and learn how to rebuild my life and create a healthy life for myself. I hate that I need to go away to really get healthy, but it’s what I need to do.

I hoping to fund at least $32,000 dollars to help cover costs of the treatment program, travel, and meals while in treatment. Despite researching other funding options, a GoFundMe option is my only choice. Mental health services are expensive and health insurance does not cover much.

Please know I won’t waste this opportunity. I’m ready to do the work needed to become healthy and productive.  I am so grateful for any support you can give me. Prayers, positive thoughts, and any donation you can spare are so appreciated.

Your support means the world to me.

Angela

Ten years ago - my world changed

This is what my dad was all about. That ministry didn’t always have to be this big thing. It could be as small as giving someone your complete attention for five minutes out of your day so that they knew and felt heard. He was amazing at things like that. 

Ten years ago today we lost him; so many things have happened since and so many things to come. Some days it feels just like yesterday and others a million years ago.

 I love you Daddy and I carry you with me every day. 

 

History - A person’s journey to a mountaintop

The reason I love history is the stories I find of people walking through hardships to achieve greatness and build lives. 

The stories of individual people creating lives and embarking on journeys to create good in a world and often times their own communities that sought to snuff out the very life and light they were creating. 

What mountains did you climb to be so strong today? 

How can I learn from your climb that can help me with mine and help others with theirs? 

#authenticityjourney #learning #scarstoyourbeautiful

You can believe more than one idea - Brene Brown

You can believe multiple things at one time; you can hold more than one idea in your head and heart. 

Plurality drives those people who believe life is a one-sided, one sole idea uncomplicated rainbows and butterflies journey INSANE. 

Believe in plurality drives them absolutely mad. 

#plurality #thewestwing #lifescomplicated

This is getting old

Guess what I’m still waiting. 

Nobody has any answers or any clue what’s making me so sick. No clue what my after 15 years of IBS and GERD my symptoms have changed and worsened with no noticeable cause or antecedent. No lifestyle change, No extensive travel anywhere, and due to my mom’s condition I pay close attention to any germs flying about.

And yet nothing. Nada. 

Well not nothing. I am still intensely lightheaded, can’t keep anything in me, and I live with a heating pad on my gut and trashcan  by my bed. 

Upside at least I get to read more books and listen to more music and shows than ever before as I fall asleep.

Okay done whining. 

Good Day and Good Luck