Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Water’s Right At My Neck

I grew up in a faith-filled family. We went to church a couple of times a week, Vacation Bible School, Music Camp, and choir. 

My parents made two very intentional choices in how they raised my sister and I in regards to faith. One: they very much LIVED their faith in how they treated us, each other, people in general and how their everyday choices. Two: they had their faith and we each had our own faith; basically what did I believe & WHY did I believe it.

Now I deviated a bit and got lost in trying to be the “I’m fine,” people pleaser girl. Until about a six weeks ago, I had probably never opened my Bible except when I was supposed to.

And then I remembered what my mom does & has done every night and every time life goes haywire: she goes to the Bible.

So when I start feeling overwhelmed by all the changes and unknowns that gastroparesis has brought to my life; I find myself doing just as she did. I open up my Bible because I WANT to, not because I’m supposed to. 

Every time all these changes and unknowns make me feel like I’m underwater - that’s where I’ve been finding my peace lately. In knowing, holding on to, and reminding myself that He has my future already mapped out and He’s got His hand on all the uncontrollables that seem to surround me. All I need to do is focus on this moment, right now, this minute and TRUST in Him for everything else. 

It took me probably a little longer than my parents would have liked and I’m still really new at it but they have always known I have always had to find my own path. 

Wednesday, August 11, 2021

Grief and Chronic Illness

I’ve spent about a week processing my big appointment @hopkinsmedicine .

Here’s the thing about being #chronicillnesspatient - there’s a whole lot of world shifting reckoning that comes when you finally have that appointment and meet with THE doctor for your specialness. 

The before time is filled with ambiguity, frustration, and restlessness. The after feels, to me at least, like I’m grieving again. 

I went through those stages of grief after losing my dad figuring out how to live in a world where he wasn’t. How to build a life and whole new self in that world. 

And now I feel like I’m doing that again. Instead of the loss of a parent, I’m grieving my old life, who I used to be, what I thought my life would be, choices I would get to make, and things I yearned to have in my life that just might not be possible anymore. 

I felt different leaving that office. Initially, I was a little in shock but grateful for a plan and answers. But that wore off and I could no longer deny that everything was and will be different. 

I have to adjust to a new reality again. I have to face what I’ve lost to even begin to figure out how to be in this new world; let alone build a life with all these new things I have to remember and to accept.

As I process, I’m living between my earbuds (as usual) being comforted by music and podcasts. @dramaqueensoth reminded me of these two quotes that are perfectly timed for my life right now.

So for other #chronicillnesswarriors I hope these will bring you a little validation and support as they did me. 

#authenticityjourney #ptsdawareness #gastoparesis #longpost