"Cause I Gave You All I Got to Give; I Know that Ain't No Way To Live" - Tuesday Tune

I've been feeling really emotional, worn down, and just tired of working so hard when the world seems to spin on with no regard as to how hard it is to find the hope, joy, and light in each day. But I found a respite this weekend; binge-watching Wynonna Earp. 

This show is an amazing mix of Old West themes with independence and journey of a woman looking for purpose, redemption, and a second chance and fighting a demon-bringing curse. It's also a greater look at what it means to be apart of a family, a town, a legacy, and a human. The complexities and war often with yourself to find yourself and your purpose while staying loyal to your family, fighting the expectations and labels of others, the mistakes of your past, and fate. Seem impossible; NOPE and its AWESOME.

The actors and creators of Wynonna Earp show up in every episode being funny, strong, inspiring, flawed, complicated, and real. While I really don't see myself even close to the bada** that Wynonna or Melanie Scrofano but I do see so much of my journey in hers, minus the Revenants.

What's even cooler about the show that in a world where hate and trolls seem to be more common than solidarity and kindness; this show's fandom is the nicest fandom in the world. They reach out to each other to give support during dark times, assistance during disasters, and other amazing acts of kindness for simple reasons. It's the right thing to do and they share a common bond: a favorite show, community, and story that seeks to bring out truth of life itself. It's complicated, messy, and at times feels like you're at war with ghosts and demons from your past but when you choose to do good, to fight for justice and the light in the world; YOU WILL TRIUMPH. When we come together as a tribe and a team, goodness and light TRIUMPH over evil.

Thank you #Earpers, Melanie Scrofano, Beau Smith, Emily Andras, and everyone in the Wynonna Earp community for reminding and inspiring me to:

"Keep Going. Keep Fighting." 

- As always Hope's Still Here :)  

With His Boots On - The Loss of Senator John McCain

You would probably not find any similarities between Meghan McCain and myself. Her life has been thrust into the spotlight continually; I am a girl who is used to hiding in the shadows. She is a Republican; and on the years I feel strongly enough to choose a party, I'm a Democrat. Our political views more than likely differ on almost every plain. But there is one horrible thing we have in common; we have lost a father to cancer. Gratefully I was able to process my grief and loss without the world watching and commenting. I don't know how you do that. Standing beside someone you love in the hardest fight of their lives over months and years is so horrible I don't have words for. But to do so gracefully and with such strength as she and her family have shown in the past year is truly breathtaking. So we may not agree on much or ever meet, but in this one thing we share a "reluctant camaraderie" a similarity no one chooses but is often thrust upon us.  Below is a post I wrote about Senator McCain, his loss, and the peculiar way some on social media are choosing to support the McCain family as they cope with such a devastating loss.  To the McCain Family and Friends, you may never see this but I hope you know you are not alone and we carry those we love forever in our hearts even when they are not by our sides. 
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Senator John McCain died with his boots on; he and his family fought so hard and were so inspiring during this most recent fight. Senator McCain and his family have sacrificed and worked hard for our country, our country’s future, and to defend the freedoms our Founding Fathers fought to create. Two things struck me today: as someone who has lost a father to cancer I hope that the McCain family is surrounded by love and support during these difficult days. Secondly, I hurt for my country who lost an elder statesmen that wanted us all to rise to a higher level of discussion and respect in hopes to meet and surpass any challenges our nation might face. So to read about trolls and cowards using this courageous man’s death as a vehicle to spew hatred, discord, and meanness truly sickens me. 

Who are you, who are we to allow this or say nothing in response? Where is your compassion? This country lost a hero, and he was a hero no matter what side of the aisle you stand on. But more importantly, a family is mourning a loss that will change their lives. Dig deep, find your compassion, and send your thoughts and prayers to the McCain family and all those who are mourning a loss tonight.

One Step Forward, Three Steps Back

Do you ever feel like you make one step forward only to shoved backwards in the next breath? I hate it. I feel like I'm doing the work: my healthy food choices, trying to exercise more, being conscious of my finances, and being very aware of my stress level. All things that I have been encouraged to do to create a healthy balance to better maintain my IBS and GERD. I have been going to counseling, reading, writing in my journal and here, and living a life more intentionally which were moves I have been encouraged to do to better manage my anxiety. And yet every step feels like I'm walking uphill through knee - high muck; earning every moment of clarity, peace, and "normalcy". Even when I make those gains it feels like a couple days later I'm back where I started or I'm triggered into responding to a situation not at all how I want to but more emotionally, loudly, and over-sensitized. I fight to earn every moment of progress only to feel like I've lost it a few days later. This whole process is just exhausting. Anybody feel like that? This I tunnel back into myself until I feel a little bit stronger. Trying really hard to do that this time.

Maybe its more of a dance than a backslide says a very cautious optimistic me

Apparently Crying Is Normal ... Who'd A Thunk

So I went to counseling this week (yes I go to counseling; it helps and there is nothing wrong with it) and the counselor reminded me of how important and "normal" it is to cry. She's not the only person to get excited when I stop bottling things up. I understand but I get so tired of everyone reminding me that I don't know what "normal" is. But other times, it's refreshing and nice to realize I don't have to be anything for anybody else anymore; I never have. So today's "Tuesday Tunes" is Carrie Underwood's CRY PRETTY because it's basically my life.

Revelation (a little delayed)

Sorry I've been a little distant lately. I've felt really raw as of late and it kind of all consumed me stopped me from feeling comfortable sharing. Honestly today is a day when being vulnerable and sharing with complete strangers is the last thing I want to do but isn't that the point I do this to continue difficult conversations to make them less difficult. To not feel so alone.

So on to the next revelation. Not long after my dad entered remission in the beginning of my seventh grade year, I developed a stomach bug that wouldn't go away. My mom mobilized and rang every one's bell. She, my dad, and my doctor joined forces to figure out why I kept missing school with stomach symptoms: nausea, severe pain, and all the over symptoms one gets during a stomach bug. I will not gross you out with all the details. It took months of blood tests, doctors appointments, x rays, sonograms, my first upper GI scan and CT scan, and one specialist appointment at UVA Medical Center for me to be diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). Another year before my doctors at home with my mom's help found a medicine that would help me through my attacks and helped me make it through the school day. In high school, I developed Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD)which can often coexist with IBS.

So a grand barrel of laughs, no one wants to be different in middle and high school so that's where my surviving and playacting began. I just tried to be invisible and make everyone as happy as I could or be whatever I thought they wanted me to be. I did this to protect me for every time my IBS made me different or caused problems at school or family events or wherever as it always did. Until recently I've been playacting at my life; more concerned about what my family, friends, coworkers, even strangers thought of me than how I felt about myself. I have functioned in survival mode, just make it through the day making everyone as content as I could, that I'm not even sure I know what living is. Or how to create a full, happy, and real life.

Step One to Courage

Okay I'm sort of brave today or maybe I'm just so tired I'm open to say more. I have been battling or learning to live with IBS and GERD for over fifteen years. As part of that struggle, especially in school and social issues, I became diagnosed with and experienced/experience anxiety for over ten years. These struggles are something I have never truly talked about freely. In some ways it was to protect me because I have been bullied by fellow students and grown adults because of something they didn't understand, never sought to understand, and/or never cared to show me any form of empathy. And honestly the other reason was I just focused on surviving each day and accomplishing whatever goal was before me: high school, college, career, etc. . But focusing surviving is getting exhausting. I'm tired of feeling like all I'm doing is managing or adapting for my digestive disorder or my anxiety; I want to feel a part of my own life. Living it not being a spectator on the sidelines. I spectate because it's safe or I won't be judged this way or its easier or it's all I've ever really known. And that's the truly scary part; I'm in my late twenties and only now waking up and building a real authentic life. And for some odd reason I'm sharing it with total strangers. But I'm tired of hiding, I'm tired of the sidelines.

So here's step one of what I am only assuming is a probably long and winding journey. But dammit if I'm going to go on this journey, I'm going to figure out how to live my own life, I'm going to talk about it, and it's going to be REAL.