"Have You Ever?" Stream of Consciousness Poem

I'd thought I'd share something a little different with everyone. I wrote this poem recently and it's kind of a stream of consciousness of my feelings.

Have You Ever

Have you ever felt always out of touch and out of step everywhere you go?

Have you ever feared new people so much, you always played a role in hopes they’d like you?

Have you ever needed to be doing multiple things all at once to keep your mind from spinning?

Have you ever eyed all the exits everywhere you went?

Have you ever needed to find hiding places and corners in large crowds?

Have you ever felt so triggered, simple smells or sounds can send you running?

Have you ever wanted to be invisible and yet yearned to be seen?

Have you ever been so haunted, you avoid people and places?

Have you ever been so on edge, you would start yelling at the slightest of things?

Have you ever been so depressed, you would suddenly start sobbing?

Have you ever been so nervous, you chewed your lip till it was raw?

Have you ever been so anxious, you rubbed your hands till they bruised?

Have you ever been so scared, your body shook?

Have you ever felt on guard and on edge even in your own home?

Have you ever been so lost, you stopped looking at the stars for fear you would never find them?

Have you ever hated change so much, you control everything in your environment in protection?

Have you ever yearned to go home and yet know that home no longer exists?

Have you never felt truly safe anywhere?

Have you ever been shocked by the kindness of strangers and friends long forgotten?

Have you ever wanted help and not sure where to find it?

Have you ever been surviving so long, you forgot how to live?

Have you ever lost your own self and never noticed?

Have you ever had to leave everything and everyone you know to find her?

Have you ever needed to leave but been frozen in place?

By Angela Deeds

Help Me Find My "Yellow Brick" Road

I've been out of the loop lately because I've been trying to work on getting healthy and finding the best way to do that.  And here's what I've figured out so far.

I'm seeking treatment and I need your help.

My name is Angela and I’m trying to raise funds to pay for inpatient treatment for anxiety and depression. I have faced a number of struggles during my life that I have tried to overcome, but I keep falling into long episodes of physical illness, severe anxiety and depression. As a pre-teen, I was diagnosed with severe Irritable Bowel Syndrome and later diagnosed with gastric reflux disease. These physical health issues continue to be very impact on my daily life, and my efforts to manage these physical issues have been complicated by my mental health challenges due to difficult family events and trauma. My father fought cancer for 11 years before passing away when I was 19. When I was 22, my mother was diagnosed with a debilitating neurological disorder. I have been in a caregiver role for both of my parents at young age. Negative professional experiences and incredibly hurtful experiences while a student related to my physical challenges have also left scares I’m trying to heal.  

I’ve found an inpatient clinic in Illinois that specializes in emerging adults with similar mental health issues along with chronic health conditions. I have been going to doctors, specialists, and counseling for years and I’ve been working hard, even making progress, but it’s not enough for me to b consistently stable and healthy. The doctors, counselors, and I agree that the best solution for me, medically and psychologically, is inpatient treatment at this facility. I have been experiencing panic episodes that are further evidence that I need additional support and a new approach to get better. This program is the best option.

I hate change. I hate asking for help even more. I’ve realized that I take great care of anyone else but I struggle with remembering to take care of myself. I struggle with the idea that I’m worth remembering. I need extra help. I can’t do it on my own. I need to start over in a place that isn’t plagued with memories; a place where I don’t fall back into bad patterns again. This program will give me time to focus on myself and learn how to rebuild my life and create a healthy life for myself. I hate that I need to go away to really get healthy, but it’s what I need to do.

I hoping to fund at least $32,000 dollars to help cover costs of the treatment program, travel, and meals while in treatment. Despite researching other funding options, a GoFundMe option is my only choice. Mental health services are expensive and health insurance does not cover much.

Please know I won’t waste this opportunity. I’m ready to do the work needed to become healthy and productive.  I am so grateful for any support you can give me. Prayers, positive thoughts, and any donation you can spare are so appreciated.

Your support means the world to me.

Angela