What was I hiding for?

1. This is from around a week ago. & this will be a #longpost stick with me please. 

2. It has taken me that long to find the words and courage to post. 

3. I have had a chronic illness for about 18 years and recently it’s decided it wants to be different. I was forewarned a long time ago that my symptoms could fluctuate with age. Yeah, this isn’t a fluctuation. 

4. So I found myself in the ER getting IV fluids, CT scan, etc. due to how awful this flare is being. 

5. I don’t mind doctors, clinics, and the tests but my anxiety goes into hyperdrive if I get near a hospital. So color me shocked when I didn’t have anxiety issues until I was processing out because I felt so bad. 

6. For 18 years-ish, this chronic thing has been managed and I had a system worked out to handle any flares. Well I’m in a whole new ball game now. 

My #longawaited point: for those years, I could hide/conceal what was going on with my body. 

If you looked at me, there wasn’t an IBS/GERD label stamped across my forehead. I prided myself on managing “the thing in my gut” so well that no one could see my hurting. 

But what if that was the wrong choice? Why did I feel like I had to hide something that was never my fault or anything I could control? Why did it take an ER visit years later for me to finally yell “stop”? 

This is an #authenticityjourney right; right now pretty much feel horrible a lot of the time. Will it always be like this; God willing no but this is my now. 

I went got the care I needed and it helped me ease some of the symptoms for a bit & made progress in facing a huge anxiety of mine. 

Those are good things. There is a silver lining and that shouldn’t be a secret. Nor should the illness be. It’s part of me: a soon-to-be tiny minuscule part of my story hopefully. I’m here as are millions of others who live with the same condition or hundreds of others. 

We’re not less than; we’re just here. 

Get it yet - @hopes.still.here .