tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85034612040618377262024-02-19T17:47:20.297-05:00Hope's Still HereOne woman's exploration into discovering how surviving and living have been two different things in her life. Her risky desire to be vulnerable and honest in a world that doesn't always support those ideas. One woman's desire to show others that hope can still be found in her life and theirs. Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.comBlogger77125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-18179229773863878052023-06-03T11:28:00.001-04:002023-06-03T11:28:01.749-04:00Please Help* & Share This Post<p class="p1" style="margin: 0px 0px 3px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-kerning: auto; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-feature-settings: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-variation-settings: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span style="font-size: 23px; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleEmphasizedItalicBody; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">*if you are able*</span></p><br><img id="id_96f2_f715_1d1c_4b39" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AFGJ81qWgsXmV4rWFI1aYt58UUH7P0Z930yXF2QVTrTZP_H7QNRaCkJcBuVnKfF6sxQulCveS-qPPEe3hZyR8hSFsXT1wE4U" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><br><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-kerning: auto; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-feature-settings: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-variation-settings: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I’ve worked hard to keep this Hope’s Still Here more about my journey with chronic illness, share others I find inspiring, and causes I feel driven to share about. </span></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-kerning: auto; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-feature-settings: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-variation-settings: normal; min-height: 29px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-kerning: auto; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-feature-settings: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-variation-settings: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Today’s different and harder … it’s an important note about the effects of #gastroparesis & living with a #chronicillness . </span></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-kerning: auto; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-feature-settings: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-variation-settings: normal; min-height: 29px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-kerning: auto; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-feature-settings: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-variation-settings: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">My gastroparesis and GERD have caused extensive damage to my teeth and oral health. My dentist, oral surgeon, gastroenterologists, and I have done the best we can to slow down or offset the damage but it’s now too far gone. I have to have my teeth removed and replaced with a fixed hybrid denture. </span></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-kerning: auto; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-feature-settings: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-variation-settings: normal; min-height: 29px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-kerning: auto; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-feature-settings: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-variation-settings: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">This is an intensive procedure that involves extraction, a few implants placed for the denture and my jaw bone to connect and heal properly. This procedure is also extremely expensive and not covered by insurance.</span></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-kerning: auto; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-feature-settings: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-variation-settings: normal; min-height: 29px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-kerning: auto; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-feature-settings: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-variation-settings: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">So my sister and I have started a GoFundMe page to raise the funds needed to cover this procedure. So if you are able to help, any support would be greatly appreciated. Also please share this post.</span></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-kerning: auto; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-feature-settings: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-variation-settings: normal; min-height: 29px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-kerning: auto; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-feature-settings: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-variation-settings: normal; min-height: 29px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><a href="https://www.gofundme.com/f/angelas-critical-dental-needs" id="id_cb99_5bec_2241_bc92" target="_blank">GoFundMe Page</a><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-kerning: auto; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-feature-settings: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-variation-settings: normal; min-height: 29px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-kerning: auto; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-feature-settings: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-variation-settings: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Gratefully,</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-kerning: auto; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-feature-settings: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-variation-settings: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Angela (@hopes.still.here)</span></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-kerning: auto; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-feature-settings: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-variation-settings: normal; min-height: 29px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-kerning: auto; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-feature-settings: normal; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-variation-settings: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">#linkinbio #chronicillness #gastroparesis #authenticityjourney #chronicillnesslife #gofundme #patientsrisingfam </span></p> Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-32603599010838335072023-05-20T16:29:00.001-04:002023-05-20T17:29:27.842-04:00Update: Where I Am Today<p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; line-height: 21.6px; font-size: 18px;"><span style="line-height: 21.6px; padding-left: 36px;"></span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;"> I’ve been really struggling</span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;"> </span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;">lately; </span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;">walking the tight rope of gastroparesis and chronic illness </span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;">has my brain short – circuiting. Chronic illness whether it was irritable bowel syndrome as a teenager or gastroparesis now takes over almost every sector of my brain and life, especially now. </span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;">I was always so proud that I was</span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;"> still able to be a functioning, independent woman and now I’m a partially functionally, frequently dependent on others woman. </span></p><p class="s2" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; line-height: 21.6px; text-indent: 36px; font-size: 18px;"><span style="line-height: 21.6px;">The truth is what chronic illness takes from me is not my independence but rather my choices. My ability to make the choices about my own life ha</span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;">s</span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;"> been completely diminished.</span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;"> My days are ruled by how bad the pain, the fatigue, the nausea, the TMI bathroom symptoms are; its not my choice as to whether I get to go on a long walk or just make it to my kitchen. I have to have a running tally is my head of where my symptoms are at, what I have to get done, and what I want to get done. Often if I want to spend an hour or two out in the world and depending on the activity</span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;">; </span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;">I’ve been resting, eating/hydrating precisely, and practicing mindfulness</span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;"> for days before</span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;"> </span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;">just to have the best chance of participating and each event costs me. Every day the questions are: need, want, can I handle the costs, and what if I’m wrong. </span></p><p class="s2" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; line-height: 21.6px; text-indent: 36px; font-size: 18px;"><span style="line-height: 21.6px;">All the while the world keeps spinning and I miss those choices I watch others make from the sidelines. Choices like what career they want to pursue, job they get to go to everyday, where they get to live, having a family or not, what/how to balance their wallet every month, and even building relationships. Choices larger then every next right step or move to maintain my health, obey the doctors and my body, stay out of the hospital, and mitigate the damage across my entire body from the doctors, loss, illnesses, and side effects.</span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;"> </span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;">I live in shifting sands grasping onto the belief that making the smart choices now and facing all the uncertainty will ensure a more stable, better future.</span></p><p class="s2" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; line-height: 21.6px; text-indent: 36px; font-size: 18px;"><span class="s3" style="line-height: 21.6px; font-style: italic;">*</span><span class="s3" style="line-height: 21.6px; font-style: italic;">Although in our current medical system, it strains </span><span class="s3" style="line-height: 21.6px; font-style: italic;">“the powers that be,” not the actual doctors,</span><span class="s3" style="line-height: 21.6px; font-style: italic;"> to believe that my gastrointestinal health</span><span class="s3" style="line-height: 21.6px; font-style: italic;"> </span><span class="s3" style="line-height: 21.6px; font-style: italic;">impacted</span><span class="s3" style="line-height: 21.6px; font-style: italic;"> my dental health</span><span class="s3" style="line-height: 21.6px; font-style: italic;"> as well as my mental </span><span class="s3" style="line-height: 21.6px; font-style: italic;">health. *</span></p><p class="s2" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; line-height: 21.6px; text-indent: 36px; font-size: 18px;"><span style="line-height: 21.6px;">Ultimately </span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;">the truth is my story is still being figured out; I live my life one day at a time or three months at a time between my gastroparesis specialist appointments. </span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;"></span><span style="line-height: 21.6px;">I’m reminded every time I log onto social media, I’m not the only one having to make these judgements and live in these narrow parameters. Some days that’s helpful not being alone but there’s always an aspect of loneliness because I’m the only one living in my body feeling each symptom and each choice slipping away from me. Some days it makes me grateful because for all the uncertainty I’m not writing this from a hospital bed or with tubes sticking out of me or as a child. Today the weight of it all just has me a little too contemplative, lost in the weeds of all the things, and holding onto the hope that my tomorrows will be better. And at some point, my story is more figured out balancing the illness and a full rich life of simple yet beautiful choices and opportunities every day.</span></p> Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-75611090754835219422023-01-15T20:19:00.001-05:002023-01-15T20:19:24.827-05:00Life, Love, & Loss Played Out on a Global Stage<img id="id_9c09_29d0_9f07_2ea0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/RJfzBqW5mjjVguNUiq4B3I5a_4516V3unk8EqYFSpbz84s0r1TNon1PE315-M98bPbo" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><font size="4"><br></font><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 23px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><div><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 23px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">I’m excited about this book for probably a different reason than most. Yes, the novelty of a constitutional monarchy played out on a global social media stage with real life princes are interesting in and of themselves. But I look at this cover and I see another AMFer. </span><font size="4"><br></font><div><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 29px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">AMF is a support group I was a part of in college for students who had lost a loved one or an ailing loved one. All our stories were unique and often the only thing we had in common was the monster of grief we wanted nothing to do with but had to wrestle with everyday. We bonded over the underlying emotions as we processed loss and trauma so that the monster no longer drove our story but is now simply a part of it. </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 29px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Whenever I hear about or see someone out there who’s going through or who has gone through the grief process young - they become an AMFer in my mind. I immediately want to support them and also hear their story to learn how they handled the trauma. I’m further down the road and my dad’s death is a part of my story but every so often his chemo journey and loss rear their ugly heads in my life. </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 29px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">So I search out these stories because I yearn to know how others survived and how I can continue in world when he couldn’t. I cannot begin to tell you how blessed I feel that my family’s loss and the loss of my dad was not played out on the world stage. Seriously huge amounts of gratitude for being able to rebuild my world in private. </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 29px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">So I’m intrigued to read his story about the actual lives, loves, & loss of the biggest global stories in the past thirty years. I’m further interested in learning another survivor’s story and how they live with the scars. But I’m really grateful that another AMFer has the chance to share his story, his journey, and get his power back. </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 29px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">#authenticityjourney #activelymovingforward #amf #ptsdawareness #griefjourney #grieftakesyourpoweraway #bookstagram #spare </span></p></div></div>Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-35477384407571805902021-08-31T21:12:00.001-04:002021-08-31T21:12:12.132-04:00Water’s Right At My Neck<p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">I grew up in a faith-filled family. We went to church a couple of times a week, Vacation Bible School, Music Camp, and choir. </span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><br></span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">My parents made two very intentional choices in how they raised my sister and I in regards to faith. One: they very much LIVED their faith in how they treated us, each other, people in general and how their everyday choices. Two: they had their faith and we each had our own faith; basically what did I believe & WHY did I believe it.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">Now I deviated a bit and got lost in trying to be the “I’m fine,” people pleaser girl. Until about a six weeks ago, I had probably never opened my Bible except when I was supposed to.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">And then I remembered what my mom does & has done every night and every time life goes haywire: she goes to the Bible.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">So when I start feeling overwhelmed by all the changes and unknowns that gastroparesis has brought to my life; I find myself doing just as she did. I open up my Bible because I WANT to, not because I’m supposed to. </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">Every time all these changes and unknowns make me feel like I’m underwater - that’s where I’ve been finding my peace lately. In knowing, holding on to, and reminding myself that He has my future already mapped out and He’s got His hand on all the uncontrollables that seem to surround me. All I need to do is focus on this moment, right now, this minute and TRUST in Him for everything else. </span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><br></span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><img id="id_6fa9_74bf_b862_1cbc" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/Jz11uhUAvtzY_qD9O3g_raCWzMgR935kzEAGdjqvndGkTliY00NgpORbek31sG-oHwg" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">It took me probably a little longer than my parents would have liked and I’m still really new at it but they have always known I have always had to find my own path. </span></p> Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-18433296324375242312021-08-11T23:36:00.001-04:002021-08-11T23:36:11.561-04:00Grief and Chronic Illness<div>I’ve spent about a week processing my big appointment @hopkinsmedicine .</div><div><br></div><div>Here’s the thing about being #chronicillnesspatient - there’s a whole lot of world shifting reckoning that comes when you finally have that appointment and meet with THE doctor for your specialness. </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_6f5a_1d33_68db_4887" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/FOmY-OSP20QRnikwB8jcqyU2W42fz5zk9gswHJpzdYCme_IHOkD2rBYTnT7R0VwIWeY" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br>The before time is filled with ambiguity, frustration, and restlessness. The after feels, to me at least, like I’m grieving again. </div><div><br></div><div>I went through those stages of grief after losing my dad figuring out how to live in a world where he wasn’t. How to build a life and whole new self in that world. </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_2b91_cc4c_f76f_9660" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/7dwNC0dH1UKAvUgGYay7z8_pNozoZ0koA1qdRHh8y6ez5kaywm1yb9DzHCQmDe9lxEA" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br>And now I feel like I’m doing that again. Instead of the loss of a parent, I’m grieving my old life, who I used to be, what I thought my life would be, choices I would get to make, and things I yearned to have in my life that just might not be possible anymore. </div><div><br></div><div>I felt different leaving that office. Initially, I was a little in shock but grateful for a plan and answers. But that wore off and I could no longer deny that everything was and will be different. </div><div><br></div><div>I have to adjust to a new reality again. I have to face what I’ve lost to even begin to figure out how to be in this new world; let alone build a life with all these new things I have to remember and to accept.</div><div><br></div><div>As I process, I’m living between my earbuds (as usual) being comforted by music and podcasts. @dramaqueensoth reminded me of these two quotes that are perfectly timed for my life right now.</div><div><br></div><div>So for other #chronicillnesswarriors I hope these will bring you a little validation and support as they did me. </div><div><br></div><div>#authenticityjourney #ptsdawareness #gastoparesis #longpost</div> Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-3467585132662795862021-07-18T23:40:00.001-04:002021-07-19T21:53:34.735-04:00Birthdays can be ComplexIt’s my birthday but there’s a catch - it’s also my dad’s birthday. On the morning of his forty-third birthday, I came into this world and found a best friend. <div><br><div><img id="id_e367_328c_7b9e_f61d" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/WfJjr1KFugdFPMsqm-_S3ZHlxZjoLwxmgNQSd2vC3uy99tt0iD4roWUh2Te2MktrcKw" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br>My mama will testify to this; my daddy was my best friend. We were a unit; large crowds, new people, or anything he was doing I was his shadow. </div><div><br></div><div>After we lost him in 2009, it was hard to celebrate. I would celebrate early and just get through the day. Sometimes I would spend the day hiking, people watching, or watching TV shows or movies we used to watch. After a few years, it got easier to celebrate the day. And now I have a different understanding of the day. </div><div><br></div><div>This day is special because it’s the day I got a best friend. A day I choose to celebrate not my birth but rather the nineteen years I had with a great man who loved his family and doted on his girls. </div><div><br></div><div>He was my confidante, quiet protector, occasional partner in trouble, and role model. We would have long talks about music, movies, history, psychology, and life as I got older. </div><div><br></div><div>He taught me the importance of choices, how you respond to a situation, and in being present when you’re with someone or any moment really. We would go play miniature golf and to fun eclectic shops whenever we went on trips with the family. He taught me the importance of being around your extended family and knowing where I come from.</div><div><br></div><div>He was a chaplain but rather than tell me how to be a Christian; he showed me everyday. He made sure that I understood the importance of my faith being exactly that my faith. How you choose to live your life each day and the relationships you build are how you best share God’s love. </div><div><br></div><div>He was honest; when I asked why I was always involved in so many activities - to keep me out of trouble. And yes, he tried to protect me from the darkness of the world, even when that darkness was the cancer that plagued a lot of his life. </div><div><br></div><div>We bonded on family ties to North Carolina that changed how we said certain words and our specific taste in barbecue or sodas. We somehow always found a way to have crab legs on our birthday, play skee-ball in arcades, and get me a new stuffed animal from Build-A-Bear nearly every year until my sophomore year of high school. </div><div><br></div><div>He would pretend I didn’t sneak downstairs to watch TV when my stomach issues kept me home from school. I would pretend he did everything my mama had asked him to do when I would check on him after school when he became home bound my last two years of high school.</div><div><br></div><div>So our birthday is no longer filled with sadness just a twinge; a slight ache of something missing. Our birthday is a commemoration of a life well lived, a great family, and a woman trying her best to do the same. </div><div><br></div><div>It’s better. It’s easier in a way. </div><div><br></div><div>And if I spend the day balled up in the corner; my daddy would “Gibbs-smack” me from heaven.</div></div>Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-83169119154394143122021-07-09T13:12:00.001-04:002021-07-09T13:20:05.805-04:00Water right at my head<img id="id_7957_1139_d5fc_2356" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/fWgysNpLfrQaFidbX-nM6qtExXbLDkpaLZGENJ1klPVyizjaHdIcuD6pW22d1SUHSPU" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">I was talking with someone recently; they asked me how was I feeling? Before I knew it my automaton answer of “you know us we’re wired for fighting.” </p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">And it hit me again all of it. This fall will be twenty years of battling chronic gastrointestinal issues. Thirteen years since my dad passed due to cancer. Nine years of my mama juggling multiple autoimmune disorders. And I’m barely in my thirties.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">I just want to scream “ENOUGH!” Can’t anyone see I’ve been treading water in rough seas for awhile now? How can I get a vacation from my own body? When do my emotional scars heal enough or I heal enough to have a life? When do I get to thrive instead of just battling to survive?</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">I know. Dreary right. Woe is me. Poor me. Sounds ridiculous. </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">I get it. I thank God everyday for the blessings I have in life. A fierce mama. A family that loves me. Great friends who let me vent, totally understand, and help me up off the ground. And a the simple things that are often taken for granted like my daddy’s sweet tea. </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">It’s just sometimes … the water is right at my head. </span></p><div> </div>Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-84973804763695773622021-07-06T21:45:00.001-04:002021-07-06T21:48:05.680-04:00 Power Ups<p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">Living with a chronic illness is hard. Knowing you have potentially more life-altering appointments coming soon scares me sh**less. Flaring something horrible after a weekend of so many joyful moments is crappy. Feeling like you’re feeling too much is just stupid. </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">I could go on but I won’t. I will not let these conditions run completely over my life. </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">Today has been hard and flaring sucks. But you know what helps - all those things my body and mind try to stop me from doing or healing from. </span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><br></span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><img id="id_cdda_c90b_9cea_9987" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/mvUjG96RhNIyx00RAxClnuGDVb3YfRA7ccyPnrswlBuj7RVQDxIr07tynH8XUHxEdCI" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br></span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><u>Power Up #1:</u> Learning the importance of exploring from the best guides I know. </span><span class="s2">🐢</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><u>Power Up #2:</u> Calming, uplifting, feel-good movies to distract myself with (and drift off to). </span><span class="s2">📺</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><u>Power Up #3:</u> Finding a new community filled with laughter and a shared connection to be of service through support & love to those who should never feel invisible but often are. Awesome Community + United Cause = </span><span class="s2">💞🎄🚸</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><u>Power Up #4:</u> Listening to three bada** chicks revel in their past journeys, together & apart, without letting the evils of this world taint it. HBM + SB + JL = </span><span class="s2">🙌🏻🏆💓</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><u>Power Up #5:</u> Still being able to cherish nature while flaring because of awesome people who share their true mountain wildlife moments. </span><span class="s2">🦋</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><u>Power Up #6:</u> Remembering every second of joy I had this weekend. It’ll sustain me; wouldn’t change a darn thing. Finding healing in the wonder, peace, and goodness in those moments. </span><span class="s2">🌹</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">So to anyone’s who’s struggling: Remember the power up moments. And quite often you’ll find that the smallest moments provide the greatest power. </span></p> Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-37302169506048210642021-06-28T11:16:00.001-04:002021-06-28T11:16:37.432-04:00Laughing is okay <img id="id_34e1_dd88_d07a_b0f8" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/Pyj3xRSsSyskw748Acak-Q_o7aogg9HepegYEQ52Y3bKpLmKQsIfgF-vLkZfmHvXMxE" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">I remember these days: hanging out with friends, impromptu photo shoots, & laughing without any guilt or fear of what might come next. I do miss those days. But there is something to be said for having even small joyful moments in the midst of struggle and healing. </span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><br></span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">I’m realizing this after #campchristmasinjuly last night. For an hour, I was able to focus on silly things, connect with new people, and laugh. They didn’t care that I can’t have s’mores with them and not everyone needed to know or care; and we all could laugh at the silly things that happen in life. </span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"></p><ul><li>For someone learning how to have a life while battling a chronic illness - that matters.</li></ul><p></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">Most importantly I got to do all of this while helping kids who go unseen and undervalued. I’ve found that in helping others focusing in on supporting their healing, I wind up healing myself.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">Why am I sharing this? </span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"></p><ol><li>It’s a part of my healing right now. I struggle to find the pieces of me I feel I’ve lost in this battle with #gastroparesis & #ptsd . And I found some.</li><li>#authenticityjourney </li><li>There’s always a way to be of service to someone. No, it doesn’t make my battles any less painful but it gives me clarity, gratitude for what I do have, and strength for the healing. Also it’s just how I’m wired. I’m a helper. Always have been. It’s nice to know I still can be. </li><li>It’s an explanation. Camp Christmas in July may be populating my stories for a bit. #sorrynotsorry because every kid deserves to feel loved, seen, valued, and equipped enough to handle what each day gives them. I’m passionate about children, education, and creating a better world for them. That’s a huge part of me, therefore my #authenticityjourney. </li></ol><p></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">Come join the fun - @christmasisnotcancelled</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">And remember it’s okay to smile even when you’re body what’s to dictate otherwise. I actually think it’s medically advantageous. </span></p> Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-49622969799508793212021-03-06T20:07:00.001-05:002021-03-06T20:07:48.885-05:00That Inner Bada**<img id="id_fdf_8bef_a2db_bbaa" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/Pdpyr1Fh4G5zrxEtDc0QRmXimWD7BZu7GTTVnPnm2hHMxV02IsBQLZvhb8FuISkSVL0" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">I’m a chronic illness patient who spends most of her time between her bed & bathroom or shuffling to appointments. I’ve been doing this little dance for over ten years as an adult, and another six as a minor.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">I’ve been called directly or indirectly: liar, cheater, attention-seeker, faker, hormonal, worrier, problem child, and difficult. </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">None of this is true. And it’s forced me to become not just my own advocate but a warrior in an arena I should never have been forced into. I’m done with it.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">I’m fighting to survive and make a life for myself. My family and I have been doing so for years.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">Don’t tell me I’m wrong about the medically verified diagnosis and information I’ve been given. Especially if you can’t even speak intelligently about my chronic illness. It wouldn’t serve you to underestimate me either. </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">I have a strength I never asked for but have gained through a long fight. A fight to survive, to have a life bigger than just surviving. </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">Don’t push me in a corner. Don’t box me into some construct you’ve created in your mind for me. </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; min-height: 27.4px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">You won’t believe the fighter that gets back up and into the ring. </span></p>Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-80729081854415911322021-03-01T19:00:00.003-05:002021-03-01T19:00:30.033-05:00Thoughts on a Stressful Few Days<p> <span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">I’m
tired.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Deep
in the bone, world weary tired.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">And
believe it or not, it’s not from my gastroparesis.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’m
tired of being penalized for having a chronic illness.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
get it. I’m a thirty something woman. I don’t fall under the “accepted” picture
of what someone thinks of when they think of debilitating health condition.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">None
of that changes the fact that I am. I have severe pain, difficulty getting
adequate nutrition and hydration, lost weight, severe nausea, and I spend way
too much time in the bathroom. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Let
me be clear:</span></u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">
I am beyond grateful for my doctors and nurses. I’m grateful to all the
doctors, nurses, and essential workers who are battling COVID, natural
disasters, and all they do that no one sees. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">My
frustration is with the suits sitting at the top of medical institutions, insurance
companies, and drug companies who place profit over someone’s life. These individuals
who sit comfortably in their fancy chairs in their homes and offices that are
worth three times more than a typical household.<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Healthcare
is complicated. Economics is complicated. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I get it. I studied one in college and I’m
becoming a professional patient in the other.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’m
frustrated beyond words at the bureaucrats who pay little for their own insurance
but deem themselves fit to dictate mine. Senators and Congress Members who are
more concerned with lobbyists paying for their next campaign then the doctors,
nurses, and patients waging wars against horrible diseases. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
deserve better. All of us who are battling things that were never our fault. Evils
that often rob us of our ability to work and live even a fraction of what we
imagined for ourselves.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
will continue to listen to the doctor’s instructions to manage my chronic
illness. I don’t really have a choice other than to fight even though the
system is broken and my body is broken.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
keep fighting because I know I’m worth it. Life’s worth it. I’ll get myself back
up and into the ring.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’m
just tired.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">And
we all deserve better. <o:p></o:p></span></p>Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-41682682795797978952021-02-21T18:17:00.001-05:002021-02-21T18:19:15.233-05:00Open Letter to My Grandfather<p> <span> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt;">I’ve spent my quarantine working my
way through a major health scare and getting answers to why my body does not
want to work anymore. As I try to process and acclimate to this new entity, I
keep being reminded of the warriors who have fought bigger battles. Do you ever
feel like you’re not doing anything, or your struggles may not level up to
others’ wars?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">My mind wanders quite often to all
my Grandpa Jack experienced in his life. Grandpa Jack died years before I was
born. He was born & raised in North Carolina, lived through the Depression,
served in WWII, worked as a postman, grocer, and many other jobs. He met and
married my Mimi shortly after the war & had 3 amazing kids. Grandpa Jack
coached my uncle’s peewee football team and was bewildered when all his
youngest, my mama, wanted were a pair of red shorts instead of a new dress. He
lived a full life; I do not know if it was because of all he faced or in spite
of it. And where did all that strength come from?</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He was severely burned as a child
trying to heat up the wood stove faster. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Lived
with an <u>angry</u> father until he could enlist in the Marines. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Served
in the Pacific Theater – wounded on both Iwo Jima and Guadalcanal<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Haunted
by memories of the horrors & brutality of the war his entire life; later
diagnosed <span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>with battle fatigue.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Injured
on the job as a postman one day when he was walking his route. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Fought
day in and day out every war-torn memory, painful injury, and major heart <span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>complications to give my mama and her siblings a good
life.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Ultimately
those injuries would take his life.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I wonder if he knew all he did, all
he survived <u>did</u> give his family so many blessings. I often get stuck on
whether he knew all he built for himself.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>He
fell in love. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Loved
his children & was a strong presence in their lives. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Found
& lived true forgiveness. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Tried
to heal & change patterns in his life in a time when few others were doing
so. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Did
he feel in his bones how much he was loved, someone to be proud of, someone <span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>whose character I try to emulate?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I get scared, feel the toll of my
gastroparesis, or find myself acting out of old scars, only to have his face
pop up in my head. This picture of him standing next to his crop of corn
grinning from ear to ear.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I know that though he never knew me,
but he loves me as he loved all his grandchildren.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I wonder if he would buy me those
red shorts just like he did my mama. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I know he would be picking me up,<span style="color: red;"> </span>placing me back into the ring every time I feel <span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>defeated.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He was a warrior. He’s one of my
angel warriors.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And I just wonder if he knew how
important he was.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I find myself hoping that all those
warriors that came before me, who walk alongside me, know <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>it’s their example I’m following. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>If
I’m strong, it’s because they were. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>I
don’t give up because I have no idea what that looks like.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I take one step at a time in the
boot prints he left for me. <o:p></o:p></span></p>Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-61577255017445657422020-07-02T16:00:00.001-04:002020-07-02T16:00:54.351-04:00Having a #chronicillness in the time of #covid : Health Update<p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">On a non #corona day, a chronic illness normally means doctors, blood tests, scans, treatment protocols (hopefully), and the dreadful, avoid-at-all-costs ER visits. ER visits are no fun. You can develop a rhythm of distractions, have family distract you, have a go bag packed so you have all your necessary tools. Except in the times of #covid19.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">I found myself in the ER after a week of severe abdominal pain, extreme nausea every time I breathed, and well I moved into my bathroom. So at this point, my disdain and triggers associated with hospitals get outvoted and ER here we come. </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-indent: 0.5in; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">Except this time:</p><p class="gmail-MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt 0.75in; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">-<span style="font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span>No one can come with me</p><p class="gmail-MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt 0.75in; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">-<span style="font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span>I’m so weak I can barely form a coherent thought to answer the doctor’s questions (so having my mom there would have helped)</p><p class="gmail-MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt 0.75in; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">-<span style="font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span>Every smell, sound, taste of saline through my IV was an emotional AND physical trigger. </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">I’m alone, weepy, weak, and shaking trying to drown out the panic with music or a movie. Scary part is that, minus the weepy part, battling any chronic illness “gremlin” is a solo journey. If like me you were initially diagnosed as a child, your parents are vital advocates/allies, but it is your body the “gremlin” is attacking. Scarier part for me is that up until seven months ago I had a treatment protocol that worked and now I don’t. And #covid is just making things worse. </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">Alone in the ER, with some nice #healthcareheroes, I got the fluids and relief I needed to sure me up to handle this “gremlin” at home. Because I am in the horrible waiting period of finding treatment, of finding relief. I have been to ALL the doctors, had ALL the tests that my local providers can think of. I was supposed to be seen by a top specialist at a medical center next week but due to #corona it’s been postponed AGAIN. Indefinitely this time; they didn’t know when the clinic would reopen. </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">I’m trying to be understanding. There are bigger problems that need to be addressed. Other people are in much scarier states of limbos than me. Except I’m still hurting, I’m still stuck in my bed, and it’s exhausting. (And if this is a true #authenticityjourney – this last round is making me a little scared). </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">So there’s the update. There’s a #longpost as to why life in the time of #covid is changing nearly every facet of our world and is taking its toll on a lot of people. So wear the mask and be a little kinder. </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">You can’t always see the battles people are fighting.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: 12pt; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </p> Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-24694648322887712012020-03-10T17:21:00.001-04:002020-03-10T17:21:25.624-04:00Reflections from Today’s Battle with a Chronic Illness & the Healthcare System<div><img id="id_30e_9e7c_b2f9_f485" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/nsTwrByroUJR0ICwv-CED4NB6XWrAFakwXmh3WcxQRcWFLEzkpAK148sW7p04-I" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><span style="font-size: 23px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br></span></div><ul class="ul1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;"><span class="s2">I’ve been battling this illness for over 15 years, I’ve learned long ago what my “normal” is. I’m very well versed in my “normal” so if I reach out for help from you; it’s because something is wrong. I’m not going to jump through the hoops to see you if my symptoms weren’t way off “my normal”.</span></li><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: Menlo-Regular; font-size: 16px;"></span><span class="s2">Since my body can’t announce when it’s cramping, shocking me with pain, having me escape to a restroom, etc. - I have to list all these uncomfortable symptoms. Please just listen to me and not debate me on what my body can’t possibly do. </span></li><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: Menlo-Regular; font-size: 16px;"></span><span class="s2">Yes, I’ve become an expert on my body BUT I did not go to medical school. Hence my smiling face in your office with instead of the hundreds of places I’d rather be.</span></li><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: Menlo-Regular; font-size: 16px;"></span><span class="s2">I would love for there to be more to my life right now than frequent visits to the doctor’s offices, labs, and scanning facilities but I need your help. It is what it is.</span></li><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: Menlo-Regular; font-size: 16px;"></span><span class="s2">I can understand everyone has good & bad days. But please remember that I’m coming to you on my worst days & I work really hard to still be nice. So it’s extremely hurtful when the people you’re coming to for help are rude, belittling, or mean. </span></li><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: Menlo-Regular; font-size: 16px;"></span><span class="s2">Can we all (me included) just practice more compassion & kindness please. It’s hard some days; the chaos of life can make it extremely difficult to see that hope still around us all. Lashing out at someone else due to my own pain always makes me feel worse not better. So, can we all take a beat and be nicer to each other.</span></li><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 23px; line-height: normal;"><span class="s3" style="font-family: Menlo-Regular; font-size: 16px;"></span><span class="s2">Remember a smile or a wave, any small act of kindness, can remind us all that Hope is Still Here.</span></li></ul> Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-81757660754797189702020-03-03T21:21:00.001-05:002020-03-03T21:21:53.743-05:00Super TuesdayI know the definition of “Super Tuesday” but even with my degree; I still don’t get it. Elections always remind me of middle school. And middle school was not <b>SUPER</b>. So I think we need a new classification as to want is exactly worthy of <b>SUPER</b>. <div><b><br></b></div><div><b>SUPER </b>has been overused it holds little meaning outside of grade school. With adults,<b> SUPER </b>is tongue-in-cheek, sarcasm. <b>SUPER </b>should mean something more. </div><div><br></div><div>So today is <b>SUPER </b>Tuesday if:</div><div><ul><li>You survived any storm for another day.</li><li>You made it through another night </li><li>You faced the chaos of life</li><li>You preserved through yet another flare of an illness that baffles even your doctors</li><li>You smiled, even if it was a sassy one</li><li>You held on to hope </li></ul>I hope you had a real, honest-to-God, <b>SUPER </b>Tuesday.</div>Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-70160344919739245952019-12-09T22:09:00.001-05:002019-12-09T22:09:36.299-05:00What was I hiding for?<div><img id="id_41_bfb4_6f18_b789" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/qVTKk9RNm0DxlicgRtvotqjb2lO3RIP88mRb4TcIkt2-L9nWSmRMIwuSpss" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br></div>1. This is from around a week ago. & this will be a #longpost stick with me please. <div><br></div><div>2. It has taken me that long to find the words and courage to post. </div><div><br></div><div>3. I have had a chronic illness for about 18 years and recently it’s decided it wants to be different. I was forewarned a long time ago that my symptoms could fluctuate with age. Yeah, this isn’t a fluctuation. </div><div><br></div><div>4. So I found myself in the ER getting IV fluids, CT scan, etc. due to how awful this flare is being. </div><div><br></div><div>5. I don’t mind doctors, clinics, and the tests but my anxiety goes into hyperdrive if I get near a hospital. So color me shocked when I didn’t have anxiety issues until I was processing out because I felt so bad. </div><div><br></div><div>6. For 18 years-ish, this chronic thing has been managed and I had a system worked out to handle any flares. Well I’m in a whole new ball game now. </div><div><br></div><div>My #longawaited point: for those years, I could hide/conceal what was going on with my body. </div><div><br></div><div>If you looked at me, there wasn’t an IBS/GERD label stamped across my forehead. I prided myself on managing “the thing in my gut” so well that no one could see my hurting. </div><div><br></div><div>But what if that was the wrong choice? Why did I feel like I had to hide something that was never my fault or anything I could control? Why did it take an ER visit years later for me to finally yell “stop”? </div><div><br></div><div>This is an #authenticityjourney right; right now pretty much feel horrible a lot of the time. Will it always be like this; God willing no but this is my now. </div><div><br></div><div>I went got the care I needed and it helped me ease some of the symptoms for a bit & made progress in facing a huge anxiety of mine. </div><div><br></div><div>Those are good things. There is a silver lining and that shouldn’t be a secret. Nor should the illness be. It’s part of me: a soon-to-be tiny minuscule part of my story hopefully. I’m here as are millions of others who live with the same condition or hundreds of others. </div><div><br></div><div>We’re not less than; we’re just here. </div><div><br></div><div>Get it yet - @hopes.still.here . </div>Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-17006189502661980092019-11-14T17:36:00.001-05:002019-11-14T17:45:13.248-05:00“Do the Next Right Thing” - Inspiration from Frozen II and Veronica Mars<p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><img id="id_ed1b_8d00_6df6_73cd" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/vwbm8nIEbgEFQ58rBnhvGFexlCh6WP96jOt76aJMbtIU1jdq6JHCrJI7F7I" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br></span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">It’s a factor of life that awful horrible things can happen to anyone. And a good chunk of the time it isn’t anybody’s fault or it is but you’re so far removed from them. </span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><br></span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">Tragedy happens and sometimes we’re left with bruises and scars that we don’t know how to begin to process. </span>And as I sit her battling IBS & a killer migraine, I’m having to remind myself of exactly that - none of my current situation is my fault or even really under my control. </p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">The pain and the sadness that contributes to this mess are scars, old bruises, and haunted memories of a little girl having to grow up too soon. And what breaks my heart is I got away easy - I was surrounded by love at home and felt like the four of us could take on anything. </p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">I never went into those battles alone and later when I did/am I know I have a safe place to fall back too. Not many people have that. </p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">So if you’re facing darkness & tragedy this day - I’m truly sorry and you are not alone. Hunker down, regroup, and let those wounds heal into scars.</p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><img id="id_9294_cc00_fcea_18b5" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/DFZBqr4l173cO5T2B0YkO5iuMAy4tKjZEgUJB6BlP_CrJvhC-8IAeKgKgPQ" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">Feeling really rough today. But appreciating how blessed I am that I can take this time to heal because of the amazing people supporting & encouraging me. </span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><br></span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">It’s not pretty or easy but I know it’ll be worth it.</span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><br></span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">It will be worth it. </span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><br></span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">@hopes.still.here</span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><br></span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 21px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1">#authenticityjourney </span></p> Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-12711006921724127812019-10-18T21:34:00.001-04:002019-10-18T21:34:44.175-04:00Sorry I’ve been gone, trying to heal some scarsI’m sorry I’ve not been so attentive to the blog. I’ve been battling a horrendously bad IBS flare. I will try better. <div><br></div><div>I’ve been realizing over the past couple days that the demons I’m working to free myself from now are truly just the scars of long ago epic scary moments (still having trouble saying the word “trauma”). While some of you are no doubtingly saying “Duh,” hold up a minute. </div><div><br></div><div>Those scars are from the scariest moments of my life; often occurring when I didn’t have the tools to handle. I didn’t ever know there was a toolbox. We all do the best we can with what we have at the time. </div><div><br></div><div>My mode of coping was denial, trying to be invisible or keep everybody happy, and denying some more. And darn if I wasn’t good at it; I buried those scars so deep not only can you not see them but I completely forgot they were there. </div><div><br></div><div>I’m writing all of this to selfishly get those scars out there. I’m hoping that if I get this out, if I own the scars that I have & learn to accept them; healing them won’t feel so hard. </div><div><br></div><div>I do hope that this will help someone else, bring a little hope, and remind us all that nobody knows what someone else has going on behind the scenes. </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_dca4_576c_3a8b_c1c1" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/ZVQJHt0PPQFgeBwX6WmR4C3cnIW4fq049DbabnYeTsSokMHLHZd94V19XCk" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br></div><div>#endthestigma #authenticityjourney #ptsdawareness #youarenotalone </div>Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-48892390868079886632019-07-03T19:20:00.001-04:002019-07-03T19:20:13.401-04:00This might be a thing <p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I caught myself focusing on the past a few days ago & I became so angry. Angry at how I’m doing this hard work of healing and the people or situations that hurt me just keep going on like nothing ever happened.</span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">It reminded me a little of how after my dad died - I felt that the world had just ended and everyone else kept chugging along. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">In both situations, it’s like I’m searching for someone or something to validate or show some sort of awareness of the damage done and how different my life is. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">(I’m belting out “Cry” by @faithhill over and over again.) </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">What if it’s nobody’s fault I have a different life now? </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">What if no person or thing caused my scars? </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">What if it was something more evil that can only be fixed by one thing, God? </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">What if I have to let go of all the pain and fight & trust Him to do as He says? </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><img id="id_968e_3e93_b1ba_7b99" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/_mh0ZDn7z4ljVlgDkzVU1OHAKB8GkrWyTJliYgpS_mSv_N6Gq2DvCkfdUEA" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I have to let go and trust God ... Okay this might be a thing. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">#authenticityjourney #ptsdawareness #longpost #chooselove #letgoandletgod </span></p> Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-22616308441725521852019-06-07T21:50:00.001-04:002019-06-07T21:50:20.802-04:00Only Got Space for Love Now, No More Being Angry At A Past<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I was in middle school when things started getting tough for me & my family; my dad fought cancer off & on for 11 years; he died when I was 19; my mom got sick 3 years later & fights every day. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">We all survived. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I survived & throughout the years I didn’t have many people who reached out to me to say “I’m here” “I’m sorry” or “this sucks”. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">So all I knew was what I figured out for myself & when I was willing to share with my family. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I blame no one & I have no anger in my heart for anyone. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Truthfully.</span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I love my family.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> I have nothing but love for anybody or any place I traveled through. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">And for those that did reach out: thank you isn’t enough for all the comfort, love, & acceptance you have given me - oftentimes doing so in spite of my stubborn self.</span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><img id="id_76ce_13a5_1681_40e9" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/iuCSnoEGnPtTGlABL5pSAGnGlLN3sqX3sj6QzicEEMUNWH4i6fuUwnh_3K0" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I feel this quote in my bones & I had to remind myself of that today.</span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I <u>survived</u>. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">And <b>now</b> I’m taking the time I need to build a healthier stronger life.</span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I got nothing but love for people & I’m working on nothing but love for myself.</span></p> Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-44961728606960972292019-05-31T21:47:00.001-04:002019-05-31T21:47:52.067-04:00Here Goes Nothing <p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I’ve spent all month trying to muster the courage to share this. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><img id="id_30b5_c0f9_1843_f284" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/MJAfbb5oVnkNftAoREDv2nQQQHSdnP9DVbcGXn_kAsOZBsyKWuhivISm5kY" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">This is me at a really low point and something I’m a little proud of - I had caught myself right before a panic attack. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I noticed my triggers, I used my tools (lavender oil, my Daddy’s sweet tea, weighted blanket), I told my mom - a way of owning what I was feeling. And then I took a step back using my tools to breathe & ground myself before going to bed. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I focused in on @lauren_daigle ‘s album & in the corner of my mind I started taking pictures with my phone. I wanted to have proof. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Proof how music still heals me.</span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Proof that I can pull myself back from the scariest part of my PTSD - panic attacks. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Proof for others to know there is light out there. They are not alone. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">That darkness haunts me too. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">You are not alone; I am not alone. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">And hopefully by being brave tonight I’m less ashamed. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Mental health is a normal part of daily life & is vitally important for everyone’s overall well-being. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I’m not ashamed, I’m terrified of people’s judgement. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">But this is me, the real me, and there is nothing wrong with me. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">So if you feel that darkness - I see you and you matter.</span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> #authenticityjourney #ptsdawareness</span></p> Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-88984045612415865812019-05-13T20:24:00.001-04:002019-05-13T20:24:57.997-04:00Progress :)<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Got some reports back today and there’s a plan - a way to get back on steady ground & build the life I want. And that plan is great but what’s even better is - <u>validation</u>. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Over the past fifteen years, I’ve had teachers, principals, doctors, counselors, & even specialists call me or call the chronic disorders I live with as “crazy”, “attention seeking,” “psychosomatic” and a whole host of other things I will not give any more power to. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">But to be here with a treatment plan & reports in hand, this feels <b>AMAZING</b>. I’m not even mad at those people; I’m ten times more grateful for the good people I did have. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i>(Just next time, try to be more understanding & don’t forget kids do have ears too)</i> </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I’m only at step one and that’s okay. There’ll be more, harder steps to come. But I think I got a little of my fire back now</span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><img id="id_af68_1183_81b9_310b" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/pDdsMfVoLdVwTjE1to8rXOyjtE6dHI8pMgJum4uYCh1lFLLdRzDAu0pn4uM" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><br></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">#authenticityjourney #endthestigma #warrior </span></p> Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-68963048741457768362019-05-09T19:07:00.001-04:002019-05-09T19:07:19.746-04:00Today Was Rough<p style="text-align: center; margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Today was hard for reasons I don’t understand - </span></p><p style="text-align: center; margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I was told to relax before I start treatment & I’m not sure I know how, </span></p><p style="text-align: center; margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">A friend helped me out on the spur of the moment but I hadn’t having to ask, </span></p><p style="text-align: center; margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">My eyes feel droopy but my heart and brain are racing which is just plain weird - </span></p><p style="text-align: center; margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="text-align: center; margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><img id="id_5692_106d_9e0e_e4a" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/KbreQXVw6yUDi42D0ckqR0-x_-vlnoEuckm-UhO7tkWcSoGo-B0x6aZfDag" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="text-align: center; margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">So I guess my question is: </span></p><p style="text-align: center; margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">“Do I have to? </span></p><p style="text-align: center; margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Do I have to feel all this to heal? </span></p><p style="text-align: center; margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Isn’t there a cheat code or something? Are we sure the old way didn’t work?” </span></p><p style="text-align: center; margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="text-align: center; margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Yeah I know I started this #authenticityjourney but honestly not feeling it today. </span></p><p style="text-align: center; margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="text-align: center; margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">#ptsdsucks </span></p><p style="text-align: center; margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">#emotionallyexhausted</span></p> Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-75350761858076877822019-05-08T21:57:00.001-04:002019-05-08T21:57:24.777-04:00Hardest Fight Yet<img id="id_fb03_486d_1b57_de22" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/PLA3rJjBJE2jaSHaFjPDxPNGDFC7BxzM-EhK3EWXyMbKlz76A32uTtjoonw" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br> <div><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I thought I had through the hardest time in my life after I lost my dad but this is harder. That loss I will always carry with me & it was hard; this is a whole other level. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Everything has caught up with me: all the years watching my dad fight, dealing with my own illness, my mom’s fight, and all those past traumas have affected me, changed me.</span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> Because of those changes, I now have a larger battle of understanding bad patterns that need to change, medical treatment and awareness I need to accomplish, & so much more. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Rachel Hollis beautifully reminded me that this fight is important for the I want to have in the future but also validated that it’s hard as jack. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">So just be nicer to everyone - you never know what battle they are in. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">#authenticityjourney #realtalk #longpost #mentalhealthawareness #ptsdawareness </span></p></div>Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8503461204061837726.post-48460673050828162432019-05-01T16:03:00.001-04:002019-05-01T16:03:53.818-04:00May - Mental Health Awareness Month - Inspired by Pink<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">If I think about the person I want to be at the end of this mess, seriously can I please be like @pink . </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">She’s a total badass, not just for her amazing voice, acrobatics, drive, and general state of being, because she looks at all of us in the eyes and talks about her struggles.</span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><img id="id_8827_3fe3_d3fd_c22d" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/02AiNUh6c-rQ07i7XOBaYSNrjr74n92p_HlpUI4IlCe_s-TeKelykrZ2RwU" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I’ve spent my entire life hiding everything that I truly felt because I didn’t want to get hurt again or judged or deemed unworthy or the problem. @pink says you know what I have anxiety, this is how I handle it, this is life and goes out there and lives. </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Not only living her life but defending those who are fighting battles they never talk about and using her music to give us a voice when we don’t have the words. So honestly thank you from a girl who’s still figuring out her own #authenticityjourney . </span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal; font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">#endthestigma #longpost #gonnagorockout</span></p> Hope's Still Herehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14042193023158568759noreply@blogger.com0