Sunday, December 30, 2018

Celebrate Every Tiny Victory

Yesterday started out rough, rougher than rough but I’m finishing the day on an upswing. 

Am I still feeling green and struggling with my gut? 100 % 

But I’m choosing (& having to work hard at that) to celebrate every tiny victory. 

Getting my errands done, eating healthy meals to try and give my gut a break, and actually making it to a movie (something I love to do even alone). 

I am trying to make the good things count more than the bad. So here’s to every victory we make, even the tiny ones. 

#authenticityjourney #whoneedsperfect

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Interesting Start

So I’ve been reflecting lately on a quote by Wilder. 

My mama tells a story about how around October before I was born in July. She and my dad had been trying when she prayed to God that for a baby by the end of the month and then they would stop trying. It’s nice to know mama and God have such a connection and that God wanted me here.

Another interesting thing is how I arrived. I was born via C-Section in July. I was 9 pounds of screaming and red mess who was breathing too fast. Apparently it’s very common and treatable. One minor exception: I was the only 9 pound baby in the NICU and I apparently didn’t like all the wires they had in me. (I’ve seen the pictures) Also I finally started breathing normal once they let my mamma feed me. *Also, none of this post is medical advice, just a story.*

Tonight these facts have me thinking on two things. It’s kind of ironic I have IBS and how much what I eat and how much I eat still drives my life. And secondly I came into this world screaming for what I needed and felt only to grow up into an introvert who’s spent much of her life putting everyone’s needs and happiness above anything to do with me. Only now am I actually trying to find out who I am,what I need, and how to ask for it.

Curious how we grow and change and find links to our past and present.

Monday, December 17, 2018

Update: Still Waiting

I’ll still waiting through pain and feeling like I’m going to be light-headed and nauseous forever. 

Waiting for doctors, appointments, lab work, and I don’t know 🤷🏼‍♀️ 

Do you ever wonder? Ever doubt about the plan? Ever feel like you’re screaming at a ceiling and no one is listening? 

Guess I’m a little like “Doubting Thomas” tonight.

Here’s something I listen to when I start doubting 

Chapters (feat. Gavin DeGraw) - Brett Young

Friday, December 7, 2018

What I Can Do Not What I Can’t

I was given the challenge yesterday instead of focusing on all I can’t do right now with my chronic disorder run amok. Instead make the choice to focus on what I can still do. 

Never thought about how hard that can be. Sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to do. 

So if you’re trying something like this, I see you and more power to you. 

It Ain’t Easy AT ALL.




Sunday, December 2, 2018

Strongest Mama In The World

My mama is the strongest woman on this Earth. Growing up, I used to describe as this kind of stone we would leap across during our mini-adventures on the Parkway. These stones weren’t always huge just big to put your front on but they never moved. The creeks flowed right around them. Family after family would jump amongst them but still they held firm. 

My mama has always been a helper, one of those people you look to when you’re scared. She worked her tail off as a nurse for over 35 years and that wasn’t just at the office; sometimes that would be at our church, our schools and activities, and a lot of times in our own home. *Hint: I’m a klutz and the child that never knew when to slow down.* 

She held our family together while my dad battled cancer over and over again. They did it as a team she would want me to tell you. That team worked through unimaginable things to keep our family intact and our lives still as normal and full as possible.

Still she keeps getting up. Getting so excited for the holidays. For family and her grandkids. Keeping me focused on all the good things and that things will work themselves out. Even  when the cold weather makes it hard on her, she keeps going.

And I’d better stop talking about her because she would say it’s no big deal. She’s a mom. This is what she’s here for. And that she doesn’t like any attention on herself. 

But just in case anyone was wondering: this girl is truly thankful, grateful, and blessed for my mama.

Saturday, December 1, 2018

I’ve spent my life waiting

I’ve spent my life waiting ... forever it seems:
  • For my dad to get better and for my mom to get better
  • For my family to be happy and healthy and not always battling something 
  • For me to feel better, to be healthy and free finally 
  • For doctors and more doctors and more doctors to figure how to make me healthier 
  • For me to feel strong to go and explore everything I want to see
  • For me to feel strong enough to help someone like so many people have helped me.
  • Deserving of all the blessings I’ve been given and for that notion that “I’ve been paid for”
  • To matter ( in those big and small ways)
  • To not feel like such a screw up
  • To find a way to help someone with what’ve I’ve learned through all my bumps and bruises 
  • For there to be a reason I’ve been on this forever waiting path
  • To understand and believe 
  • To find love 
  • And sometimes to feel safe again 
Okay end rant and self pity any second now.