A major turning point for me to get mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy came two years ago. I had to have my gallbladder out which is fairly common by my case was complicated due to my chronic digestive disorder that was clouding the doctor's test results. I had to take a month off work after the surgery because my former job was very physical. Also, I had pretty much run my body to its breaking point in the previous months through work, going through the pain of my gallbladder shutting down, and balancing life at home. I needed that month to even attempt to heal to the level my doctors wanted me to and I needed to do so for my own health. But those months leading up to the surgery and after became an increasingly hard time for me. I felt like I was constantly failing, never measuring up, never able to get my body to do what I needed it to do and always exhausted. So I did what I always do when I feel my world imploding: I turn up the music. I had it on all the time and I was listening to everything. I heard this song one day "There Is Hope" by Aaron Crumbey. I couldn't get it out of my head and my heart.
One night, I was so low; I couldn't shake this funk I had been in for what seemed like forever. And I was so tired; you know the deep in the bone, weightiness, darkness filled exhausted. I clicked over to YouTube or something; I'm not sure how I found this song so maybe it found me. This song gave me the ability to cry and release all the pent up emotion I had been holding back. This song gave me the words to ask God for the help, healing, and direction I craved. This song gave me the strength to get up and take that first step each morning no matter how tired, sick, or worthless I felt. But most importantly, this song SAW ME, KNEW ME. There is so much power in feeling like someone sees you and all your stuff and truly gets it; validation that what happened to me and all I was feeling was REAL and I wasn't ALONE.
"I start back up just to stop again. Failure becomes my reliable new friend. I need to be free to tell. I pray the stigma gone. I pray that fear would fail. I pray that God would free my mind from this jail cell. At least give some people that I can tell, that I can trust, won’t write me of as wasted dust. I just wish my mind would hush. You’re not mistake and your struggles don’t define you. I wrote this song only to remind you." - There Is Hope, AC CrumbeyAs time has moved on this song still pops up in my daily or weekly shuffle. Now though I often hear this song as a kind of call to arms for me; it was one of those "nudges" I mentioned before. This song was encouraging me to tell my story, to start this blog, to do something; so someone else doesn't feel so alone. There are a lot of reasons for being risky or brave or scared or courageous or stupid or authentic (pick your favorite) in talking about my struggles. This song just served as a reminder to follow through and to keep moving forward.
"You’re not mistake and your struggles don’t define you. I wrote this song only to remind you you’re valued, priceless, yeah you’re to die for, with a plan and purpose. No, you’re not worthless. I know this for certain. No you’re not burden. We all need to feel the pain when someone is hurting. You gotta know you’re worth it. There’s hope for certain." - There is Hope, AC CrumbeyEven now, even today: this song continues speak to me, to communicate my truth, to validate me, to pull me back towards the light, back towards the love, and back towards the good I have in my life. The music I keep in my life, all kinds, helps me heal; this song continues to help me heal. Music Heals.