Saturday, June 30, 2018

Music Heals

I turn to music a lot. Music gives you words when you can't find them yourself.

A major turning point for me to get mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy came two years ago. I had to have my gallbladder out which is fairly common by my case was complicated due to my chronic digestive disorder that was clouding the doctor's test results. I had to take a month off work after the surgery because my former job was very physical. Also, I had pretty much run my body to its breaking point in the previous months through work, going through the pain of my gallbladder shutting down, and balancing life at home. I needed that month to even attempt to heal to the level my doctors wanted me to and I needed to do so for my own health. But those months leading up to the surgery and after became an increasingly hard time for me. I felt like I was constantly failing, never measuring up, never able to get my body to do what I needed it to do and always exhausted. So I did what I always do when I feel my world imploding: I turn up the music. I had it on all the time and I was listening to everything. I heard this song one day "There Is Hope" by Aaron Crumbey. I couldn't get it out of my head and my heart.

One night, I was so low; I couldn't shake this funk I had been in for what seemed like forever. And I was so tired; you know the deep in the bone, weightiness, darkness filled exhausted. I clicked over to YouTube or something; I'm not sure how I found this song so maybe it found me. This song gave me the ability to cry and release all the pent up emotion I had been holding back. This song gave me the words to ask God for the help, healing, and direction I craved. This song gave me the strength to get up and take that first step each morning no matter how tired, sick, or worthless I felt. But most importantly, this song SAW ME, KNEW ME. There is so much power in feeling like someone sees you and all your stuff and truly gets it; validation that what happened to me and all I was feeling was REAL and I wasn't ALONE.
"I start back up just to stop again. Failure becomes my reliable new friend. I need to be free to tell. I pray the stigma gone. I pray that fear would fail. I pray that God would free my mind from this jail cell. At least give some people that I can tell, that I can trust, won’t write me of as wasted dust. I just wish my mind would hush. You’re not mistake and your struggles don’t define you. I wrote this song only to remind you." - There Is Hope, AC Crumbey
As time has moved on this song still pops up in my daily or weekly shuffle. Now though I often hear this song as a kind of call to arms for me; it was one of those "nudges" I mentioned before. This song was encouraging me to tell my story, to start this blog, to do something; so someone else doesn't feel so alone. There are a lot of reasons for  being risky or brave or scared or courageous or stupid or authentic (pick your favorite) in talking about my struggles. This song just served as a reminder to follow through and to keep moving forward.
"You’re not mistake and your struggles don’t define you. I wrote this song only to remind you you’re valued, priceless, yeah you’re to die for, with a plan and purpose. No, you’re not worthless. I know this for certain. No you’re not burden. We all need to feel the pain when someone is hurting. You gotta know you’re worth it. There’s hope for certain." - There is Hope, AC Crumbey
Even now, even today: this song continues speak to me, to communicate my truth, to validate me, to pull me back towards the light, back towards the love, and back towards the good I have in my life. The music I keep in my life, all kinds, helps me heal; this song continues to help me heal. Music Heals. 

Wednesday, June 27, 2018


Why write a blog? Why risk putting my story and the struggles I went through out for all to see on the World Wide Web? Simple really: I kept getting "nudges" about this idea repeatedly. "Nudges" are little moments or occasions that kept reminding me about this idea and gave me an urge to do so. The "nudges" also were there when my anxiety would kick up and tell me not to do it or nothing good would come from it. I believe God gave me those "nudges" and continues to but I'm not here to get preachy. I do believe but if you see them as coincidences; that's fine too. Faith and my journey is a whole other thing. I didn't do this without talking to my family and they support me. My sister gave me the idea of using Blogger. When I talk about writing this blog or telling my story, my demeanor changes and excitement bubbles up. I changed careers last year and it was a really hard decision; so being excited about something again feels amazing. I've met people or been reintroduced to people who used to know me and as we talk facets of my story come up and I'm able to use it in a positive way. My story no longer weighed me down like an anchor. I was able to use it to help someone or rebuild my own sense of self. "Nudges" persistently even when my anxiety would scream at me not to do so. Don't be fooled being open like this terrifies me but maybe that's a good thing. What if everything happened for me to become the person I am today? What if the person I am today is supposed to share her story so someone else, younger or older, going through their own darkness knows that there is hope and light even if its in some small way. Have you experienced these kind of "nudges" leading down a place of light, love, strength, or success? How do you handle it? Did you embrace it, doubt it, or both?

Sunday, June 24, 2018

Beginning of the Conversation

I guess the proper start to the conversation is simple: Hi. Here is the cursory disclaimer: I'm nobody important just a girl (woman) in her late twenties who's been through a bit in her life. I'm hoping that in writing this blog my story will help anyone struggling with their own story. I want people to know they are not alone; I am not alone. Social media is wrong: no one has life all figured out and it isn't always rainbows and butterflies. I get worried when after a tragedy everyone gets all concerned about their fellow man (person) and making sure no feels alone. These tragic events are just that; horrible tragedies that the world watches from afar and the loved ones have to learn to survive through. But shouldn't we care about each other all of the time not just when something horrible happens. Isn't that a higher calling or quite possibly another topic all together? Also, people do feel alone, people feel broken, barely making in a world that demands from them to appear fine, put together, and sunshiny. I feel broken, barely holding it together sometimes and here's the game-changer: that is just fine, even normal. So here's the plan: risk being vulnerable and honest with all of you so that we can have the larger, more authentic conversation. Life can be unbearably hard but it can also be immeasurably great. The day to day can be happy, sad, hard, easy, or passing without much notice. But our days on this earth matter, we all matter, and having hope matters. I know that having hope in things getting better, in something more, or in more light coming through to me saved me quite a few times in my life. I'm here. I'm not alone anymore. I believe in hope. And I hope this journey helps all of us.