That's the ending of that particular moment in my life; a "depressive episode" is what my doctors and counselor called it. But the middle of it just plain sucked. I didn't want to do anything and anything I did do felt like it took so much more energy than it should. I was tired, cranky, and just done all the time. I lived between my earbuds going from work to class back to my dorm. And if it wasn't for my friends and family I probably wouldn't have left my dorm other than for classes. I never knew that darkness could be a feeling, a weight and anything more than the simple visual opposite of light. Until those moments, those days. And I don't know if I'm smart enough to even give it proper characterization. Today's Tuesday Tune is Lin-Manuel Miranda and Ben Platt "Found Tonight". Play it. Hear It. Listen to it on Repeat.
And what scares me most now that I've fought my way out of it; is winding up anywhere close to that kind of darkness again. My biggest fear, my boogie man, that haunts me if I ever let my anxiety or exhaustion go a little too long before I implement self-care strategies. (Things like a healthy diet, sunshine, exercise, singing, hanging out with family and friends, a sleep routine, working my way back into my faith.) Also its something I praise God for every day. I knew and was able to ask for help when the darkness invaded my life. I had an amazing family that stood there with me in the darkness. Friends that fought to remind me of all the good still left in the world for me. A counselor I got to see free-of-charge because of the college I went to; a school that knew to truly educate a student you have support them and educate them in all realms of their lives. Because I know that I'm the exception to the rule. Even in my darkness, where I felt most alone I still had glimpses of light; cracks in the darkness reaching in to save me. And a lot of people don't have those glimpses of light or are able to see or believe in them when they come through.
So as I wrap up day two (and stop saying "SO") please if you read this and that darkness is haunting you; you are not ALONE. There is LIGHT and LOVE still in the world for you. Reach out and ask for help. It won't be easy but I promise IT WILL BE WORTH IT. Because YOU ARE.