Anyone ever get angry, angry not in an aggressive way but instead in a way that you use it to help you make it through the day? Especially when you feel that darkness lurking in the shadows just waiting for you to get anxious, scared, sad, or weak. I have I used the anger I felt after I lost my dad, about my mom being sick, about my IBS, all of it to give me fuel to make it through the day. I was good at turning that anger into fuel but it never lasted and I always felt more exhausted at the end of the day. Then I eventually I remembered something my mama said; anger doesn't hurt anyone but you and it will eat you alive.
Now to find balance in my life, to do more than survive, I choose to not use the anger as fuel for the day or to help me through the hard times to keep the darkness away. I choose to focus on things that bring light and love into my life: my family, my friends, great TV shows, movies, music, hiking, good real food, and honest to goodness rest. Counselors call it self - care; I call it finally choosing me. Putting my life, health, and future first. To not let that darkness and my fear of it stop me from creating a good life for myself and having good even great days. To choose not anger but health; to not let bad coping strategies continue.
Sometimes its the hardest choice of the day (week, year) to let go of it all; I have experienced loss and pain and struggle so a little anger is normal. But I refuse to let the anger and the fear rule my life anymore. Its not what my dad would want for me but more importantly what I want for myself. I deserve better and I will find better. So some days its the easiest choice; knock me down ten times and I'll get up each time stronger and wiser for it.
This week is National Suicide Prevention Week; keep fighting, keep getting up. One day, one hour, or one step at a time; doesn't matter which. Hope is out there; the light's still here. Reach out for help to any of the resources below.
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