Saturday, September 15, 2018

Go Easy - Today's Is Hard On Me

Let's Get Real Real.

All this week during National Suicide Prevention Week, I've tried to encourage those battling the darkness to seek help and see the hope still left in the world. I've hinted and shared that I've glimpsed the darkness after the loss of my dad and my struggles with anxiety. I got to thinking why would you believe me; I'm hoping you will take me at my word but if you weren't I guess its time to practice what I preach. Being authentic and real even when my voice shakes

Now I'm not brave enough to show you a picture, let alone have my picture taken during one of my panic attacks; truth being I don't want anyone to see me or touch me or hug me during a panic attack. As soon I start to feel my hand shake, foot tap incessantly, my fingers twitch, tightness around my chest, a weight pressing down on me, the live wires running along my veins, or my mind spinning uncontrollably refusing to listen rational thought; I just want to disappear into my room or under an invisibility cloak. A little over two months ago I experienced a panic attack but afterwards I asked my mom to take a picture. Originally to show my counselor and now to show you.

I'm lying underneath all of my covers to keep me warm, a weighted blanket to soothe, on a wedge pillow hoping to stall any nausea or GERD attacks, face soaked with tears, red from crying, holding a stuffed animal I've had since I was little, and listening to a funny TV show on my Kindle to distract me. 
This is really hard for me to be this vulnerable; to open myself up to the world at one of my weakest moments. Hoping that instead of judging me or bullying me; you find comfort and compassion instead.

Today I know and I'm beginning to believe that my anxiety and loss is just a part of my story and does not define me. But that hope I've found, it takes a lot of continual hard work. So yes I've seen some of the darkness and I get occasional reminders to hold on to hope even when darkness tries to surround me. My hope with this point: you truly see that you are not alone and neither am I.


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