Here Goes Nothing

I’ve spent all month trying to muster the courage to share this. 

This is me at a really low point and something I’m a little proud of - I had caught myself right before a panic attack. 

I noticed my triggers, I used my tools (lavender oil, my Daddy’s sweet tea, weighted blanket), I told my mom - a way of owning what I was feeling. And then I took a step back using my tools to breathe & ground myself before going to bed. 

I focused in on @lauren_daigle ‘s album & in the corner of my mind I started taking pictures with my phone. I wanted to have proof. 

Proof how music still heals me.

Proof that I can pull myself back from the scariest part of my PTSD - panic attacks. 

Proof for others to know there is light out there. They are not alone. That darkness haunts me too. 

You are not alone; I am not alone. 

And hopefully by being brave tonight I’m less ashamed. 

Mental health is a normal part of daily life & is vitally important for everyone’s overall well-being. 

I’m not ashamed, I’m terrified of people’s judgement. 

But this is me, the real me, and there is nothing wrong with me. 

So if you feel that darkness - I see you and you matter.

 #authenticityjourney #ptsdawareness

Progress :)

Got some reports back today and there’s a plan - a way to get back on steady ground & build the life I want. And that plan is great but what’s even better is - validation. 

Over the past fifteen years, I’ve had teachers, principals, doctors, counselors, & even specialists call me or call the chronic disorders I live with as “crazy”, “attention seeking,” “psychosomatic” and a whole host of other things I will not give any more power to. 

But to be here with a treatment plan & reports in hand, this feels AMAZING. I’m not even mad at those people; I’m ten times more grateful for the good people I did have. 

(Just next time, try to be more understanding & don’t forget kids do have ears too) 

I’m only at step one and that’s okay. There’ll be more, harder steps to come. But I think I got a little of my fire back now

 

#authenticityjourney #endthestigma #warrior 

Today Was Rough

Today was hard for reasons I don’t understand - 

I was told to relax before I start treatment & I’m not sure I know how, 

A friend helped me out on the spur of the moment but I hadn’t having to ask, 

My eyes feel droopy but my heart and brain are racing which is just plain weird - 

So I guess my question is: 

“Do I have to? 

Do I have to feel all this to heal? 

Isn’t there a cheat code or something? Are we sure the old way didn’t work?” 

Yeah I know I started this #authenticityjourney but honestly not feeling it today. 

#ptsdsucks 

#emotionallyexhausted

Hardest Fight Yet

I thought I had through the hardest time in my life after I lost my dad but this is harder. That loss I will always carry with me & it was hard; this is a whole other level. 

Everything has caught up with me: all the years watching my dad fight, dealing with my own illness, my mom’s fight, and all those past traumas have affected me, changed me.

 Because of those changes, I now have a larger battle of understanding bad patterns that need to change, medical treatment and awareness I need to accomplish, & so much more. 

Rachel Hollis beautifully reminded me that this fight is important for the I want to have in the future but also validated that it’s hard as jack. 

So just be nicer to everyone - you never know what battle they are in. 

#authenticityjourney #realtalk #longpost #mentalhealthawareness #ptsdawareness 

May - Mental Health Awareness Month - Inspired by Pink

If I think about the person I want to be at the end of this mess, seriously can I please be like @pink . 

She’s a total badass, not just for her amazing voice, acrobatics, drive, and general state of being, because she looks at all of us in the eyes and talks about her struggles.

I’ve spent my entire life hiding everything that I truly felt  because I didn’t want to get hurt again or judged or deemed unworthy or the problem. @pink says you know what I have anxiety, this is how I handle it, this is life and goes out there and lives. 

Not only living her life but defending those who are fighting battles they never talk about and using her music to give us a voice when we don’t have the words. So honestly thank you from a girl who’s still figuring out her own #authenticityjourney . 

#endthestigma #longpost #gonnagorockout