Wednesday, August 11, 2021

Grief and Chronic Illness

I’ve spent about a week processing my big appointment @hopkinsmedicine .

Here’s the thing about being #chronicillnesspatient - there’s a whole lot of world shifting reckoning that comes when you finally have that appointment and meet with THE doctor for your specialness. 

The before time is filled with ambiguity, frustration, and restlessness. The after feels, to me at least, like I’m grieving again. 

I went through those stages of grief after losing my dad figuring out how to live in a world where he wasn’t. How to build a life and whole new self in that world. 

And now I feel like I’m doing that again. Instead of the loss of a parent, I’m grieving my old life, who I used to be, what I thought my life would be, choices I would get to make, and things I yearned to have in my life that just might not be possible anymore. 

I felt different leaving that office. Initially, I was a little in shock but grateful for a plan and answers. But that wore off and I could no longer deny that everything was and will be different. 

I have to adjust to a new reality again. I have to face what I’ve lost to even begin to figure out how to be in this new world; let alone build a life with all these new things I have to remember and to accept.

As I process, I’m living between my earbuds (as usual) being comforted by music and podcasts. @dramaqueensoth reminded me of these two quotes that are perfectly timed for my life right now.

So for other #chronicillnesswarriors I hope these will bring you a little validation and support as they did me. 

#authenticityjourney #ptsdawareness #gastoparesis #longpost

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