Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Authenticity Journey Update - Real Truth for Better or Worse

I have watched a lot of  M*A*S*H. The show is one of the top five shows in history; well according to me. There's a line from an episode "The Sniper" where Hawkeye (Alan Alda) is in the mess tent hiding from a sniper with Frank (Larry Linville) and Radar (Gary Burghoff) and he's talking about heroes. **Now here's my disclaimer: I am no hero. I have been blessed to have known true heroes in my life and I am not one. And I'm not sure how much this quote applies to them.** However, there's a part of this quote that speaks to me right now.
"He's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn. ... " 
Now for me this speaks to why I'm writing today. I've been in perpetual health state of awfulness for two months. Pain, nausea, fatigue, migraines, lightheaded, can't keep any kind of nutrition in me, and all other forms of stomach awful symptoms. And one would think about over ten years of having severe Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) and acid reflux (GERD) that what my doctors and I have planned out for flare ups and a protocol to manage my symptoms would be working and I could handle this most recent bout.

Nope, even a little bit, not even at all. That's how bad it's gotten. Short of having my gallbladder removed I have pushed through my IBS symptoms time and time again to accomplish my goals or do my job. I took two finals in high school while being noticeably sick with the flu and IBS; true I did sleep for like twelve hours when I got home but I still finished those tests. My special gift in life is to hid and bury down deep whatever's hurting to accomplish whatever is in front of me. To a fault, that's what I'm good at.

I can't work. I can't stay out of bed for longer than five hours at a time. I'm permanently wearing a path between my bed, bathroom, and kitchen. I'm surviving on plain noodles, protein bars, peanut butter crackers, and Gatorade. I'm so far past done with this stuff. I'm so tired and so tired of being tired.

So why am I sharing all this probably-too-much-information with the internet. Knowing that there are so many others suffering so much worse than me. Because ... Maybe it will help someone out there who's in the midst of their own battle to know they're not alone. And less noble reasoning maybe it'll help me by sharing this stuff. Maybe it will do some good getting it out of my head at least since it won't leave my body.

Or maybe it's as simple as I'm "tired enough and cold enough ... not to give a damn" who knows. How's that for authenticity? Guess I just got real REAL.

No comments:

Post a Comment